Tuesday, December 02, 2008

My sadness at leaving Kyle


Standing on Kyle's doorstep, I willed the tears to remain stored inside and away from my burning cheeks. But as I looked at my first love, and said with an unconvincing and wavering voice "we won't cry" the tears as if on cue to disobey as one colossal force, spilled out of my eyelids and collapsed down my face heavy with grief. I wrapped my arms around Kyle as tight as they would squeeze wishing that if I held on tight enough, I wouldn't have to leave him and that we could stand on his doorstep forever in our loving embrace. As I reluctantly released my arms, I looked through my curtain of tears only to see my boyfriend's face also glistening with sadness. With my eyes closed, our hands found each others cheeks and we kissed what we hoped would not be the last. As I walked slowly to the car, I clenched my fists and muscles, contending the total melt down my body was had been threatening since the beginning of our goodbye. I slid into my car seat, buckled my seat belt, covered my head with my newly gifted college throw blanket and as my mom drove away, I cried. But it would not be accurate to solely use the verb cry to describe my reaction that day. As I hid under the Red Raider blanket, I felt my insides clinch and twist, causing pain and sorrow I had never known. For lack of a better phrase, my heart was breaking, and all I could do was to express the bitter affliction through heaves and sobs. I cried for the better half of the 7 hour trip to Lubbock.
Kyle and I began dating in December of my senior, his junior year at MacArthur High School. We had been friends for over a year, but when our relationship turned romantic we were attached from the hip from the start. Although we were securely attached, we were also both practical and knew that once I left for college, life and our relationship would be a struggle. Which is why we decided that the mature action to take was to break up before I left for school (5-7 hours away depending on who was driving). I conceded that I did not want the strain or confinement of a serious relationship my freshman year of college. I wanted to be able to date other guys and explore the proverbial fish in the sea. Kyle allowed it would be best for his senior year of high school to be a "single dude" without the pressure or burden of a long distance relationship. However, as the summer heat intensified and the days left together melted away so did our practicality and logical relationship decision. The evening I made up my mind to confess my true feelings, I called Kyle stating that I had something important to tell him. Kyle said that he would be right over, and he also had something he needed to discuss with me. I waited outside in the front yard on my mom's worn wooden bench, enjoying the breeze and the tranquility of the evening, all the while wringing my hands in anxiety at what Kyle's reaction would be. I was never one for wearing watches, but if I had, my wrist might have been sore from checking. After what seemed like an hour, Kyle showed up carrying a single flower. He greeted me with a kiss and sat down on the bench beside me. I looked deep into his eyes and said, "Kyle, I am in love with you and don't want to break up . I think what we have is really special and although a long distance relationship will be hard, I believe it will be worth it." Kyle smiled and said that that was exactly what he had wanted to talk to me about as well. That conversation was a turning point in our relationship, it was when we decided that our relationship was important, more important than the struggle and hardships that is created by long distance. We knew that the statistics were against us. We knew no successful couple in our situation and had absolutely no basis of a model, but we had love, trust and commitment and that would have to be enough.
I officially have a ticket to Korea and this Friday, I will leave Kyle for a second time to hold our teaching positions while Kyle continues his struggle to graduate. But rather than the separation of mere hours on the road, an ocean will seperate us. We are hopeful that this separation will last only a month, the time to process a visa, rather than the year away at college as before. Our time apart will be difficult, but I trust that God has a plan and maybe that plan is ultimately to make our relationship stronger through the hardship. I am taking a blanket on the plane, but I trust that my tears will obey this time and blubbering in front of a plane full of strangers will be avoided. My heart breaks a little bit more every time I think of leaving my soulmate, but our love and commitment is stronger than ever before, and I know that we will make it through the good times and the bad all the while holding hands.

10 comments:

Mariah Eva Hofstetter-King said...

oh Nessa....I had tears coming down my face! I love you guys so much, and hope that time goes by fast and you guys will be together again soon!

PS...did you gets your shots? and don't drink the water!

Elizabeth said...

What a stressful time! It will fly by, and the wait will be so worth it. Have safe travels!

Greg said...

That's powerful stuff right there Vanessa. I know with that kind of love you two will be able to support each other through whatever comes your way. I'm also sure that God does have a plan and he will see you through. I'm a firm believer that he never gives us more than we can handle. I'll be praying for both of you, especially you as you head over to Korea. I told Elly last night I feel like we're good friends now, despite never actually meeting, so you both will be in my thoughts and prayers always. Good luck!

kay said...

My dear daughter-in-law, you are not "leaving Kyle" you are forging ahead, lighting the way, going forth with brave conviction and trust... I am very proud of you for your strength and courage. We will take care of your husband and send him safely to you ASAP. Remember if UT screws around with him anymore they are going to have to deal with ME this time!!!!!
Mom K

Mrs de Miranda said...

Vanessa, your post breaks my heart. I feel your pain immensely! My hope and prayers are with you and Kyle that everything will be resolved soon. But just so you know, you and Kyle's love for one another inspires me. I miss Sidnei so much and I love him even more. Reading your story makes my resolve a little stronger, to hang in there a little longer, and know that one day it will be good. One day we will be happy again!

Even though I know it is difficult to be apart, you will see how fast the time goes by! I am so excited for the both of you to begin your adventures in Korea (and to read all about it!!)! My thoughts are prayers are with the both of you!!

Also, love the pictures from this post and the new layout for the holidays! Super cute!

Anonymous said...

Aw sweetie. I'm all teary now... I feel your pain! Thank goodness for the internet. Can you imagine doing this before there was internet? I can't.

Rachael- sorry I thought I was signed in?

Will Rutledge said...

choke... I read the title and thought you guys broke up... which would have been insane b/c you two are perfect for each other... thank goodness that wasn't the case...

I am a long distance relationship champion and take it from me... it may hurt when it is time to leave but it is the most incredible feeling when you get to see each other again... it is like falling in love again... but you already know the person... and you guys are amazingly close now so just wait and see how you feel when you see each other again. Have fun and be safe... I have no worries you two are making the world a better place.

Will

absolute said...

*hug*

Sara said...

ohh..good luck! :)

Anonymous said...

i am passing through the same situation, my boyfriend is travelling overseas for work and i will stay in town to complete my degree.... it is very tough and very sad for both of us, but we believe that God has better plans for us. It is only in the womb of the dark night that the sun evolves....best of luck