Saturday, September 23, 2006

Yellow Brick Road

Do you ever feel like your life is not what or where you want it to be. Like at some point, you were on the yellow brick road, headed toward the Great Wizard, but somehow the directions got muddled, north became south, yellow became red and you are just really not sure where you are, or where the yellow brick road walked off to? I don't want to sound ungrateful or sound as if my life isn't full of blessings everyday, but sometimes I just feel so lost and I don't even know where I should go to get unlost.
High School was such a whirlwind, my direction was clear, and my life was spectacular. I had wonderful friends, I was using my creativity and my physicality. I volunteered and participated in many organizations. I knew what I wanted at least short-term wise. My goal was to make good grades and good impressions for colleges. We all seemed to be on the same road, heading the same place. It was an easy decision, going to college. The process of picking a college added fog to the scenery, but I could definitely see where I was headed. I knew kind of what I wanted. I wanted a small school with an outstanding academic standing, I wanted to feel challenged and positioned for my future. After many complications, I went to Texas Tech, but found myself unhappy and fighting against the wind. Before I left, however, I discovered the major that fit my personality and allowed me to continue on my unknown path. I was thrilled when I found the major for those who don't know what they want to do, but love people and creativity as much as myself. I had found the perfect door, the door that didn't force me into making any immediate decisions and cementing my life, instead a door to the unknown held much more promise. It gave me more time to procrastinate and figure out what I want to do with my life.

So these are the things I have discovered want in a job;

I want to enjoy my co-workers
I want freedom to choose my own schedule,
I want a challenging position to constantly stimulate my mind
I want to be creative.
I want to be interacting with people
Of course there are many other qualities I was looking for in a job, but those are the main objectives.

What do I want out of life?

These are things that I want from my life.
1. I want financial freedom
2. I want to travel
3. I want to make a difference in the world and in other people.
4. I want to feel I have made a mark on the world
5. I never want to stop learning and growing
6. I want to be surrounded by friends and family, people who love me, and whom I love

But then the next question is, "Can you be more specific?", like, what kind of difference do you want to make? Is it enough to make your mark on the world through being a good friend, or do you need more? What will be enough? "And how do I get there?" And then to furthur complicate matters I have to match these goals at the exact same time with the person I have agreed to spend the rest of my life with. My life does not just affect me, but also my husband. I cannot just up and join the Peace Corps and leave him to finish school. Our lives are bound together and somehow we must find a way to move forward with our legs tied together in a three-legged race. I feel as if I am at a threshold in my life, a waiting room, but I am tired of treading water, I am tired of not knowing what direction I should face to get to where I want. I have this since of urgency, a figure on my shoulder, whispering in my ear that if I don’t start running now, I may never get out.

My life has had many adventures and blessings such as Disney World and Italy, but they were just another way to procrastinate making a decision. College is an amazing tool, to challenge commonly held thoughts, open ones mind to new and sometimes disturbing ideas. It is an environment that fosters inner growth, and involvement in the world. But what it doesn't teach is what to do once you are out of your fantasy world, the world I have been trained in for 19 years of my life. I know how to listen to a teacher, take notes, study, make a fantastic project, and take tests. I know how to make friends in classes and then find activities where our lives and personalities will bond. However, I can no longer turn to the University to be my social and volunteer outlet. I have been thrown out of my home with a swift kick and left to find my own way in the world without the assistance and support I have always known. (I should say at this moment, that my mom has continually been with me, and support me throughout these difficult times. I am so lucky to have her and the rest of my family and friends, for without them, I would really have something to complain about. My problems would only multiply. So thank you, all of you.) After I left school, the following things were taken from me, friends, social network, inspiration, ambitious competition, involvement in the world, and my innocence. What I was given with my diploma was more responsibility, rent, bills, and an opportunity to sell my soul to jobs that will overwork, underpay and ultimately make me unhappy.
When my job does not foster daily interaction and friendships, where do I turn? I have been looking at Austin clubs online for an outlet to make friends and do something with myself, but will we (Kyle and I) really make friends there or just acquaintances. Will it be incredibly awkward and forced or does it really have potential to start to fill the hole in my heart. I have lots of friends in town, but it is hard to keep up and get together when I don’t see them on a daily basis. Friendship then requires making a huge effort and often schedules get in the way. How many dinner plans have I rearranged? It isn't that we don't care, or don't want to see each other, but life gets in the way.

So lets get back to the yellow brick road. I was traveling along this road, and I got to college, which was not only on the way but had a marker. However, at that point decisions had to be made, life-altering decisions and the yellow brick road didn't seem so yellow anymore, as if the paint was chipping off, the paint chips flying through the wind and sprinkling the grass and trees with the course of my confusing future, and the direction could be any which ways. Don't be deceived however, I have chosen the way through the unknown. I could have chosen the path which other college students take, graduate, find a corporation, and work my way up through groveling and time, but I made the decision that I wanted more. My yellow brick road could have been easy, but it wouldn't have actually led me to the Great Wizard. Life's joys are much more difficult to find, I have faith that I will find them again. The question is, though, will this new "yellow road" take me there? And whether or not I can answer the next question determines whether I will get there. What is the Great Wizard of Oz to me? That is the question we all have to answer for ourselves, but who can answer that question and when we reach it, will we know it?

Case Closed: The dogs

The Culprit: Aurora Rogers. A six pound, seven year old dog, who has illusions of grandeur and believes that she is the queen of all Canines.

Facts to support illusions:

Her head held high, feet turned out like a ballerina, and the insistent demands for attention, all communicate her superiority in the doggie world. She also refuses to take food from humans hands, it must be first set on her dinner plate.

Aurora's story:

Aurora was made a mother at the young age of two, and while she was motherly and nurturing to her children in their infancy, after their weening, she refused to acknowledge their existence. Neighbors testimony: "I once found her wandering around the street after she had run away. I noticed that she was a mother from her little utters, so I took her walking so she could find her home. She passed her own home twice while walking me to other neighbor's home. Neglectful mother if you ask me." Aurora's daughter Isis, also had children and produced the notorius puppies, Tiggy and Ambrosia. Tiggy is a New York doggy and doesn't have time to visit her grandmother, but Ambrosia lavishes Aurora with her attention, affection and playfulness in the past on a daily basis but after the move their visits have lessoned to a weekly basis. Ambrosia's testimony: "My grandmother is the best, prettiest and coolest doggie in the world. I sometimes get the impression that I annoy her, but then I lick her face, jump on her, ignore her growls, and I remember how much I love her."
Aurora has feigned indifference to her little grandaughter Ambrosia since the begining of their relationship. She growls, runs away, and refuses to make eyecontact, however, new evidence points to Aurora's appathy and unrequited love to a cover-up of Aurora's true feelings. We have reason to believe that her behavior has been an elaborate hoax to mask her emotions.

New evidence: Vanessa's testimony "I was walking Aurora passed Dana and Danny's place. Everytime we walk around the area, Aurora runs up to the door. I knocked on the door, but the only noise inside is the happy barking of Ambrosia. The D's weren't home so I pulled the reluctant Aurora away from the front door. The D's are on the first floor, and have a patio that faces the grass, Aurora so frequently enjoys a nice pee, but on this particular day, Ambrosia decided to give us an extra greeting. She flung herself at the back door, standing on her hind legs, and with her arms up, stomache pressed against the glass, she barked at the guests to come pay a visit. To my surprise and astonishment, Aurora started to whine. It is the crying noise Ambrosia makes when her Mommy Dana leaves her. Aurora was crying and trying to get through the gate bars to get to Ambrosia. I couldn't believe it! She has loved her all along, but pretended detachment and sulkyness."

Verdict: Ambrosia loves Aurora. Aurora loves Ambrosia, but continues to cloak her true feelings, for reasons unknown to her homosapien owners.

My first Random entry!

Ok so, I am stating this blog because Leslie suggested it as a way for us to keep up with one another. Right now at this moment, I am sitting on a layed out futon in our very disorganized "study room" amongst two white doggies. Every time I walk into this "study" I just think about how I don't know if it will ever be a room that real productivity can be performed. I cannot work in chaos, and we all know that Kyle can't work in chaos, but neither one of us wants to put it together. Acutually, last night, we thought about trying to buy a desk from BB&B, but when we checked our accounts we realized that we were both in the red! Ah, the joys of married life, and life after college. Finances were never either of our strong points, I guess we will just have to make more money!
Kyle is in Mediation conflict training all weekend. It is a 20 hour training session. That means from Fri 3-10, Sat 1-10 and sunday 9-1. I am going to be so bored. I took that same class, and this training was fun but mentally exhausting. You know when your brain has been used so much, that it feels like every ounce of brain power has been used, and it needs a recharge? So far he hasn't experience this phenomenon in the training, but give him time, he will.

Yesterday,Friday, the first day of Vanessa's solitude, I wasted my time, by taking a nap, reading, watching Garden State and playing on Facebook. Facebook is dangerously addictive. You can add pictures, write on people's walls, look at other peoples pictures. Check out everyone elses wedding, was it better or worse than yours. I have a long list of things that need to get done, such as write thank you notes, change my name, organize the study, write my biography for Nancy's family book, but am I doing any of those productive things while I have the time. No! Instead I find ways of wasting my time. Why? That is an excellent question. Because I am an avoider. I am not always this bad of an avoider, but when left alone, I don't want to be productive. I know I am not the only person with this problem, and I always get things done by the time they need to be accomplished, but why is it in our blood to just wait. Even things that aren't particularly painful, such as writing my biography, which might even be enjoyable, I avoid. I think maybe I avoid because I am afraid of failure or maybe because it is overwhelming. When I feel overwhelmed, I feel suffocated and unable to move, paralyzed if you will. I like being productive with other people. When Kyle is home, I do the dishes with him or fold clothing. Do I have a dependency on other people? Do I have a dependency on Kyle? maybe? We may never know.

I don't know if I am using this blog effectively. My thoughts seem so far to be incredibly random and not very thought out. I think quickly and I always imagine that people understand what I am trying to say by my one sentence explaination, but even when I go back to inspect my writing, I find that my thoughts are incomplete, and need much further elaboration. So I apologize for the randomness and incompleteness. I will try in the future to write with a goal and purpose. It might make my thoughts easier to follow.