Tuesday, November 11, 2008

A letter to Jake the Cat


Dear Jakey-poo,
Our lovely adopted cat. When we first started housing sitting Grandma Dee Dee's house, we weren't so sure about you. You would stay outside as long as possible, until your stomach grumbled and complained enough to will you into the treacherous house long enough to eat and run out into the wilderness of the backyard again. It has been several weeks now, however, that you have graciously allowed us to remain in the house as your temporary adopted owners. And for the most part we have enjoyed our time together, but I have some questions for you;
Do you think our bathroom is also your bathroom?
The first time we discovered the rancid smell emanating from the bathroom, Kyle asked if I was the culprit. Kyle, my husband, in all seriousness, asked his wife, the love of his life, the woman he agreed to cherish for the rest of his days, if she was the guilty party to the putrid stink. A note to men, do not ask your wife/girlfriend/partner/whomever if they stunk up the bathroom, they are ladies and therefore do not have the appropriate gene for said stinking, therefore if there is no one else in the house to accredit the stinking, the blame falls either to you, the male or an animal, basically the same thing as a male. To his credit, he had yet to discover that source was coming from the floor, not the toilet but once again, wives are not capable of such atrocities. I do, however unwillingly admit that I am human and go #2 like the rest of the woman race, however our #2 is either odorless or smells of expensive perfume. No where in my DNA make up is it possible to produce such a beastly smell as that!
Now Jake, I appreciate your efforts in trying to cover up your wrong doings with a towel, but why! Why did you despoil a towel that I use to wipe off my clean body? And how? How did you get the towel down from the shower curtain? Are you a supercat? Do you have some super abilities that we are unaware of? And although your efforts were probably honorable, I am giving you the benefit of a doubt here (work with me) the use of the towel to cover up your droppings is counter productive. Rather than helping us, it just creates more of a mess than we had to begin with. Here is the list of items you have so far used and dirtied in your pooping escapades in the house.
  • a towel
  • a bathmat
  • Kyle's sweatshirt
While you're at it, why don't you just desecrate more of our belongings like the pillows that we lay our heads down on, or maybe something truly special, my wedding dress for instance! Ok, so let's go back over this, you poop outside, we poop inside, you are a cat, we are humans, dirt is the appropriate means of covering up your business, not towels, not bathmats, not sweatshirts, dirt, Got it? Good!
Let's move on to feeding, shall we? We now have a pretty good understanding that you like food. Food is your life sustaining force. Food is yummy to your tummy. We get it! What we don't get is why you insist on trying to capsize the humans in order to get your food? Walking directly in front of a path of a human is dangerous and this is what will happen if you continue in your destructive path:
Jake rubs up against Vanessa's leg, subtly messaging Vanessa that he would like food now
Vanessa, annoyed, continues to walk
Jake moves in front of Vanessa's other leg, preventing walking, another subtle jester
Vanessa remembers that animal cruelty includes kicking cats and attempts to move around overly persistent cat
Relentlessly persistent cat does not like Vanessa moving away from cat food and continues reckless and pitiful rubbing of moving legs

Vanessa is unsuccessful in walking in a straight line and instead steps on cat, looses balance, waves arms in air helplessly, falls towards the floor in slow motion, with a deep and slow "NOOOOOO" echoing throughout the house
Jake witnessing the giant falling towards him has an appropriate freak out, unleashing claws, batting at the air at nothing in particular, then jumps 12 feet straight in the air, but not far enough away to avoid the fall of Vanessa,
Jake is trapped under human.
Everyone dies and Jake doesn't get food.

Okay, so everyone probably wouldn't die, but let me make this clear; stepping in my walking path and making me topple over is not a good strategy for getting food. I will feed you on my own time, and no you cannot have seconds and thirds. You have already gained weight since we have been feeding you. I will not be responsible for you becoming an obese cat!

Jake, it is my opinion that you need a new productive hobby. I have noticed that you particularly like the kneading of dough or my stomach, whichever. Are you trying to tell me as my Chilean students did by placing their hands on my stomach and asking if I was pregnant, that I am fat? Or do you want to become an actual bread maker? We would certainly appreciate freshly homemade bread if you want to put your skills to work. I would suggest however that you clean your paws before kneading and attempt to restrain from using your claws.

Your Loving Owners
Vanessa and Kyle

7 comments:

Mariah Eva Hofstetter-King said...

Sooo funny!

Brittany Bankhead-Kendall said...

hey :) thanks!! i actually post our picture into paint, then go to microsoft word 2007 and format the font and color like i like, then i paste it into the paint document and format it there. it takes a while but it's worth it! hope everything's well :)

Tiff said...

That made me laugh out loud!! BTW cats do not do anything on the human's time schedule! They do it on the cat's schedule...you the human must adapt. Now the needing....he loves you! :)

Rachael said...

I read this the other day on the email (not coming over here) so I could not comment. I wanted you to know, though, that I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants.

You are a very funny writer, yaknow?

Adelaine said...

Oh my goodness!!! That is great and soooo true!

I have a cat that looks just like him minus the black mark on the nose - weird.

Thanks for stopping by!

April said...

hmmm... bread making cat? interesting idea.

Marju said...

Beautiful cat =)