Tuesday, June 07, 2011

Disparaging

As I study harder for the test as the date crawls its jittery, self-important panjandrum self closer and closer, my throat and heart begins to constrict. There are moments, during my studying in which I feel confident with the knowledge and ability to counteract the machination of the test makers.  Armed with only a pencil, my mettle and brains, I'm inspirited to take on any monster, whether it be windmill or standardized test.  However, there are other moments in my studying, that are more frequently occurring than the conquering the world moments, and those are the belittling moments.  The moments in which I disparage myself; the virulent stream of insults coming from my own mind, stabs at my prowess, and enfeebles my strength. I laugh at myself in mockery, that I could have ever done well on this test, even with a thousand years to study.  I realize that this beleaguering is far from a good strategy in doing well, but its difficult to stop the critic within. I take practice tests, often feeling confident while in the process of answering the questions, but once I begin the checking the answers process, all that impudence dissipates into the humid air, or melts into a slushy on the carpeted floor.  You see, if it were a math test, I would score plenty of points for my work, because in general, I figure out how to answer the question, however, I make many stupid mistakes and end up with the wrong answer choice. And on this test, your work isn't important. Whats important is the answer.  And I can't seem to pick the correct answer to save my life.  And what makes matters worse is that I haven't been timing myself.  Instead I've been giving myself plenty to think and answer questions.  However, on the real test, I will have less than two minutes on average to answer each question.  Sometimes it takes me just two minutes to analyze the question.  Needless to say, my nerves are starting to get the better of me, and keeping them from strangling my will, is going to be a battle. I'm lucky to have Kyle and my English Village friends as support during this battle of wits. Through it all, I'm trying to stay hopeful.  Wish me luck this Saturday :)

3 comments:

sharon said...

Nessa Dear, you will do fine on the test. Try not to be too hard on yourself. If you do not do as well as you would like, pay for a study course and take it again. I know the test is changing, but you can take it again and maybe the changed part will be something you really excel in. At any rate, the committee that evaluates you can review your blog and see what you are like and see examples of your work, and they will all be proud to have you in their school.

Love, Your Mama

Peter and Leslie said...

Panjandrum, that's an impressive word. Sorry you're feeling stressed out! Can you take the test again if you're not satisfied with your result? That could take some of the pressure off...

Vanessa Rogers said...

Yes- the test can be retaken for a mere $200. However, the test is changing in August, and will have significant changes. Also I'm flat out tired of studying. I don't want to retake it- that would be torture. AND Korea doesn't offer it very often; like 2 times a year. I can always go to Japan tho to take it if I REALLY needed to.