Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Winter at WAR

Many people complain about winter, but I suspect that I am at the top of the totem pole of complainers. Santa Claus and Rudolf are at the bottom, Alaskans who really have no right to complain about winter since they live in the freaking tundra are probably in the middle, the hypothetical wining old man that lives across the street and complains about everything including the growing size of his earlobes is close second, but I, Vanessa Yvonne Rogers am at the top.

I HATE winter. I hate everything about it. I hate the cold weather, I hate the bulkiness of the clothing, I hate being cooped up because I am afraid of leaving the house to face it, I hate the overeating; I hate winter. The only thing I don't hate about winter is that it leads into Spring. Not only do I hate winter, but I believe the feeling is mutual between me and that frigid, scowling, cold season. Winter hates me right back and I believe that he is is out to get me. Now, I am not sure exactly what winter's motivation or ultimate goal is. I can't even give a reason as to why he's got beef with me in the first place, but I have drawn what some might claim preposterous conclusions from very logical (probably only in my head) reasonings.

Winter's methods of attack: (**Note** When I say winter, I do not mean the light breeze that brushes through central Texas, or the any other warm climate areas, I mean the winter that never rises above freezing)

Have you ever noticed the amount of clothing needed to properly battle winter? First there is the undershirt and the longjohns. Then the overshirt and jeans. Sweater, jacket, scarf, hat and gloves. It takes me an hour (ok, not really an hour but way tooo long) just to put on all these clothes and once inside my tent of clothing, I am unable to move, perfect for a sneak attack. Arms sticking straight out similar to Frankenstein, the neck is in a perfectly designed noose and the periphial vision is limited to nearly zero. But not only that, when one walks into a bus or restaurant, any heated area, the layers must come off or else heat stroke is enivitable. There have been many times when I have sat on my scarf and litterally strangled myself. The purse that I carry is one that is worn across the body since I can never seem to keep a shoulder purse to stay on my shoulder when wearing a bulky jacket. As I was re-layering when leaving a restaurant the other day with some friends, not only did I strangle myself with my scarf while trying to untangle the strap from the scarf, but I also tied my purse strap into the tie that goes around the waist of the jacket. I was a walking catasrophe! Winter almost had me, but he didn't when the battle.

Blocking resources
When I say blocking resources, the main resource I speak of is air. It does this by ensuring that we weak humans with vulnerable immunity systems, especially those humans surrounded by snotty kids all day, are sure to catch cold, strep, the flu or what have you. Almost every winter I come down with some ailment that sends my head spinning into the outer relms of this galaxy, and my nose first on a marathon snot course followed by elephant sized blockages preventing breathing. I never can decide if it is worse to have a nose rubbed completly raw from run away snot or the inability to breath properly. Do you see where this is going? First is strangulation with a scarf, purse and other winterly layers and when that fails, winter can even turn your own head and nose against us.

Mood depressant
Winter's last stand is typically a battle with our happiness. A method some might consider ungentelmenly yet winter seems unphased by the use of the dirtier tactics. First he hides the sun behind clouds, mist haze or darkness, removing our dosage of the much needed Vitamen D. Once the globe of light, warmth and happiness is hidden with his cruel, laughing face, he sucks out any last bit of warmth and with his icy fingers he picks every last green leaf, every last sign of nature's life and throws it to the ground for trampling. So not only does he take away the sun, fill the world with shards of icy glass, but to top it off, he makes everything hideously bare and frightening. Often times in winter, I behave as an animal in hibernation. Sleeping and laziness are my best friends, overeating feels necessary to protect against the bitter winds and I avoid the outside like the plague. Once all of these habits and factors have been jumbled around to one giant, tangled, strangulating mess, depression is nearly unavoidable. The only light at the end of the tunnel is that Spring, wonderful, refreshing spring is only a jump, hop and a skip away. Spring is my saving grace from Winter's icy gasp on my throat, nose and mood. Winter may put up a feirce few battles, but it only has a few months before I once again am champion warrior. I may leave with a few bruises and scratches but winter never wins the war!

But not to worry, with the onset of Global Warming, winter wont be something we will have to contend with much longer. Sure half of the planet's animals will die off causing catosprophic results for the natural balance of the world. Sure the polar ice caps will melt into our oceans covering half of the land masses and drowning millions of people, but hey we wont have to deal with winter ever again! :)
Ok, so I do like snowball fights!


Rachael said...

Vanessa- excellent essay, and you have made points in favor of eradicating winter entirely. Great writing!

I just wanted to mention... I too used to feel this same disdain for the 4th season- and I felt it deeply. When I was a young lady, I swore I got cold at the first hint of frost in October, and did not thaw until after danger of last freeze, some time in April. I was not happy being cold. I never felt I had enough -or the right- clothes. I could not sleep when cold. I have memories of laying in bed in the middle of the night, shivering and wishing for sleep. I could not have fun playing when I was cold. (You want to do what?? No! I won't! It's TOO COLD!) All I thought of was the horrible, horrible beast that was COLD. It was bad. The only thing that brought comfort during this time was full body immersion in hot water. I'm serious. No other method worked. It put quite a damper on things at times, as you can imagine.

Somewhere along the line, I lost my extreme sensitivity to cold. I'm not sure when or how, but all that is just a memory to me now.

Although I still quite enjoy hot baths.

Love you!

Veggie Mom said...

I concur with you wholeheartedly...right now, as I'm tippy-tapping to you on my laptop, another snow storm is a-blowin' outside my window! I think you need to bring your plan to the Proper Authorities, so we may begin your Most Excellent Plan to erradicate winter!

BPOTW said...

I am so with you. I HATE having to try to pick a child up and carry her on my hip all the while trying to keep my purse on my other bulky shoulder and oh yeah the scarf is stuck underneath the toddler and she's pulling on it and oh yeah my keys just dropped on the ground so as I'm trying to pick them up my purse drops and the kid slips off and I just start crying. I'm ready for spring ;)

Thanks for sharing with BPOTW!

bettyl said...

When I lived outside Chicago, I remember riding to work with Mary Lou and she got her long scarf tangled around the steering wheel and almost choked herself!!
I, too, have great disdain for cold, but I have learned to be philosophical about it...it helps me appreciate the warm!