Sunday, July 06, 2014

Fitting the pieces together

I'm kinda sick this weekend. I say kinda because as long as I'm not moving, I feel fine. Its only when I move from off the bed that I feel ill. I hope that it passes quickly, because its annoying being sick. Being sick cramps my style yo!  But as I was in the process of getting sick I realized that sometimes reading my body requires a lot of trial and error.  For example, yesterday, we went to the National Museum of the United States AirForce.  The museum is free to the public and is fascinating.  As we were walking around, a pain started in my stomach.
1st diagnosis: Thirst. "I'm really thirsty. I'm going to go find some water." I say to Kyle. The water fountain wasn't far, and after gulping half a liter of water, my stomach isn't quelled. 
Conclusion: Stomachache. Yep, it wasn't thirst, my stomach was aching.

My understanding husband took me home early without finishing the exhibit. The museum is free so we can visit anytime, and preferably on a day when I am not coming down with something. On our drive home, I felt as if my energy has been kidnapped. My body refuses to hold itself up. Once home, I flop onto our bed, and lay where I have fallen like a discarded rag doll.
1st diagnosis: I'm exhausted and need a nap, even though I have only been awake a few hours. 
Final Conclusion: I actually have a headache which is accentuated by movement.

Yesterday is not my only example of this diagnosing trial and error. At Free Trade Alliance, on Monday mornings, I often got this sensation of restlessness. I would have a hard time concentrating at work, and staying on task. Sometimes it would take me all day to diagnose these sensations. Eventually what I decided that the restlessness had a source; sadness. It wasn't just sadness though, it was grief, and loss as well. I was sad because we were saying goodbye to the future I built up in my mind. Starting a business isn't easy, and requires a lot of energy, time, money and positive thoughts. After Kyle decided not to re-open WARSIM (after the debacle with the tax-man) my emotions flatlined. They remained in a state of shock for a time, or so I thought.

To be honest,  it took me a while to not only realize that I was sad, and then longer to figure out the source of my sadness. I didn't think I would be affected by the closure as much as I was.  WARSIM was Kyle's baby, not mine, but his business was the start of our dream, of starting our own business, and taking control of our lives. It may not have been the ideal, but it was a stepping stone in the right direction.

When we shut the door to that future, I mourned its death, and the loss of that possibility. I mourned the loss of that stepping stone, and path that we were on.

My experiences are not always clear. It took me a long time to realize that I was in mourning, and that I was sad.  But Kyle and I, if nothing else are always in motion. We do not stay stagnate long, and are always need to be working towards a larger, grander goal.  Thats not to say that we will continue to move constantly from country to country or state to state, but that we believe in having a dream and working towards that dream.

Am I the only one who experiences enigmatic sensations and has to fit together pieces of the puzzle in order to understand myself? Or does this happen to you too?

1 comment:

EleanorBraun said...

No you are not the only one analyzing your enigmatic feelings. Keep it up - it's a big part of knowing yourself.

And I read it somewhere, but I can't tell you where, that virtually every successful businessperson started with a failure. At some point after the mourning, you can try to analyze what you & Kyle learned, and what you would do differently.

Keep on keeping on - and making yourselves an interesting life.

Auntie E