We celebrated the New Years last night at a Casino which is exclusively for foreigners. Gambling in Korea is illegal, except for foreigners. Foreigners may throw away their money however they like. It was surprising however, how muted the excitement over the New Years was. I expected a big hooray like in the US, but instead, the players hardly looked up from their hands as we jumped up and down excitedly at the turn of a new year.
My feelings for the changing of the year is muddled. On one hand, it is like opening the first page of a book with sparkling white blank pages and fresh jet black ink in hand. The smell of the crisp uncontaminated paper is rejuvinating, and yet intimidating. What is one to do without guidelines? Is there really such thing as a fresh start?
As I hugged and kissed the other teachers as the fireworks on the television exploded in sprays of illuminated joy, I was painfully reminded that I had left my love on another continent. When will he get here? I hope it is soon. I hope it is before our ski trip!
I cried on the phone today while talking with Kyle. I wanted to celebrate Valentines with him but he doesn't seem any closer to getting here than when I left. It's been really hard being here without him. My twin bed is cold and small and I miss snuggling in the crook of his arm and falling asleep feeling utterly and completely loved. Hugging my teddy bear just isn't the same.
Kyle called as I was about to walk out the door to work out. This time he was crying. "You need to come home." were the only words I could make out. My heart stopped. I thought he was saying that someone had died. No one had died, but my complete trust in him died that day. He managed to tell me that he had been lying to me. He said he failed his tests and that he still hasn't graduated. How could he lie to me to my face? How could someone who loves you lie like that? My eyes shed no tears, but my heart wept and is weeping still. I am deflated like a withered balloon ignored for weeks, floating amongst the dust and dirt skipping along the floor. Kyle was staying in Dallas. I called my mom and told her the truth, but Kyle asked me not to tell anyone else. He is ashamed, so very ashamed. I won't tell anyone to protect him, but I hate lying. I hate that this is happening. I love him. I am not going to leave him. He promises he will make it up to me. I feel like one of those abused women who will believe anything? Am I being naive? Am I becoming one of those women?
He is going to stay with my mom while he takes his tests again. He needs help, but if I went home, I feel like I would just be enabling him. I want him to be able to take care of things on his own. I know he can, why can't he just find the confidence? I have confidence in him. My family thinks he could spin the Earth on one finger if he wanted to. Why can't he see what we see?
Today is Kyle's birthday. I was hoping he would be in Korea to celebrate with me, but alas, he is still in Texas. He tells me he has passed his tests, but is waiting for the school to process his papers. I am so OVER waiting. I am OVER being alone. How much longer is this going to go on? Was it a mistake, my coming before he had his physical diploma? I am enjoying the work. I love the people I work with. I just wish that Kyle could enjoy it with me. This is a whole new world and its just not as fun without Kyle.
I am really disappointed today. My heart was determined to stay strong through my birthday. I was sure Kyle would get here by my birthday, and he's not. But my heart didn't break. I always think it will break, but it keeps on pumping. Spring is upon us, and although the flowers bring joy to my heart, there is an emptiness, a hole and nothing but Kyle can fill it.
The papers still haven't been processed. He swears he's telling me the truth. I believe him because I don't think he would lie to me again. Our relationship couldn't handle more lying.
And I am sick. I am sick ON MY BIRTHDAY! Boo.
In games class today, instead of playing games with the kids, I wrote a prose that I am really proud of. It was metaphorical of how my emotions are holding up pertaining to being separated from my love. I am surprised actually with how well I have handled it all. I fully expected to have fallen apart by now. Well, actually, I NEVER in my wildest imagination or worst nightmare expected to be apart for this long. But Kyle thinks he will be getting on a plane by mid May. He is having some issues with the state office where they give the appositille stamp, but at this point, we have decided to bring him over on a spousal visa just so we don't have to be apart while we wait for the paperwork to be processed. I CANNOT wait. Only a few more days until I hold my darling in my arms, and once he is there, you better believe I ain't letting go!
We recently went to a Korean baseball game and ate dried squid. I don't recommend the squid. It was like jerky, but fishy, but for whatever reason, they are all the rave at Korean games. The baseball game was fun- not that I really payed much attention to the actual game. I also attended the wedding of one of our Korean co-workers. If I do say so myself, I was looking good, but alas I didn't have a date. Kyle isn't here... this can't go on like this.
I had a meeting with my boss... unless Kyle can send his paperwork by the end of the week, they aren't going to hold his position. Not that I blame them. I don't blame them. In fact, I think they have been extremely generous and patient, more so than they needed to be. My contract ends in a week. If he doesn't get his paperwork in, I'm not going to renew my contract. I should be bummed, but really I am ecstatic. Either way, I am going to see my husband VERY VERY soon. What more could I ask for? A job? That's not even CLOSE to as important as being with my husband. The way I see it, either scenario is WIN-WIN.
...The next six months to follow in the next post...