Saturday, July 11, 2009

My life is so swampy right now!

This is what I look like right now! IT'S TRUE!!!

Ok gang, I know it’s been forever and a DECADE since I last wrote a post and I am sorry. I wish I had some good excuse to give you like; I’ve been soooo busy earning a living (hardly even close to true), or I have just been so tied up with all of my super creative endeavors that I just lose track of time what with my painting and poetry. The truth is, I’ve had the time. Not gonna lie about it. The problem I have is that I have become such an overly avoidant procrastinator that I seem to go out of my to avoid avoiding whatever it is I plan on doing tomorrow! HOWEVER, for some unknown reason which my wife has had absolutely no part in (wink) I feel compelled to write you all now with an update and a few mental antipasti I’ve been cookin up these past few weeks. Bon apetite!
Update: “A rolling stone gathers no moss.” A wonderful expression that in my mind conjures images of a large shiny boulder, truckin it’s way down a sunny hillside path, waving at the passing tree’s and crushing the obstacles in its path. Here’s another way to phrase it that’s a little bit more in line with how I’ve been feeling lately; “a sitting stone bakes in the blistering sun till night falls when creepy demons lurk in its shadow and gross stuff starts to grow on it as each day passes until after years and years of the same bird crapping on the top, the roots and bird crap eat away to its core and slowly crumble it apart from the inside out till there’s nothing left but dust!!! A little dramatic I suppose but that’s all I’ve got in my life right now guys! Ok, that’s not true. I have wonderful friends and family that care about me very much and lately, I can’t tell you how much I have appreciated the concern and the company. All joking aside, yes, I am extremely frustrated with the situation and yes, I feel as though Van’s and my life has hit a metaphorical Great Wall of China, but I’m doing what I can to stay busy and while I don’t seem to be handling things as well as I had hoped I would, CUT ME SOME FRIKIN SLACK, I’ve been apart from my wife for 6 damn months, I can’t get a steady job cause NO ONE is hiring part time, and I’m sick of being a 25 year old dependent FFS!!! OK, rant over, whining done. Truth is, things could be so much worse for us right now and we constantly have to remind ourselves of that fact when either of us is having a hard time dealing. Here are a few things I’ve been thinking about recently as I trudge through this mucky swamp.
Mental Antipasti: Concerning expectations: It recently dawned on me that part of the reason people get so depressed is that we get up every morning with the expectation that things will not have changed. My Visa situation will still not be resolved, I will still weigh 20 lbs. more than I would like and I will still be just as avoidant as I have always been. Then one morning, for whatever reason a cat decides to wake you just as the sun is rising by licking the inside of your nostrils. He looks into your soul and says telepathically; “didn’t see that one coming did you stupid?” and as he struts off with that smug, holier than thou cat ambivalence, you remember that each day starts with infinite possibilities. Thank you QT. Thank you.
Concerning affection: We are all aware that most societies, including ours, dictate that men be rocks when it comes to emotional expression. Things seem to slowly be changing in this department and I don’t think it’s any secret that Rogers men never seem to have gotten that memo. Recently though, I have begun to notice something about myself that I hadn’t realized before. I need affection. My emotional instability has caused me to withdraw a bit from my social interactions, as I’m sure many of you have noticed and that, coupled with not having my wife to gushy with has made me realize just how important affection is to me. Every hand I shake seems more important, every hug seems more endearing. On an analytical level, I realize that what I might truly be missing is the reinforcement of other peoples love for me, and I’m sure that that’s true but I’ve never realized just how comforting it can be to get close to the ones you love.
I’ve got more I wanna share, but let’s be honest; if I make this post any longer, I’d lose half my audience!
Love you all!
P.S. Phone status is sketchy at best at the moment so please shoot me emails if you need/want to get in touch. I’m trying to get better about communicating guys, I really am!


Peter and Leslie said...

Wow, I have a lot of comments to make on this one!

First of all, I really am sorry that this hasn't worked out (yet) for you and Vanessa. I know this is difficult and I wish there was something I could do to help! I wish Peter and I were in SA... or that you could come visit SLC. We love you and would give you hugs!

Second, Amen! Re. your phone status being touchy. What is your email?

Third, yay QT! I'm not surprised at all that he played a part in your revelation. He's a magnificent beast.

Finally, have you read anything on our blog? I wish you would leave us a comment!

Love and hugs,

Leslie, Peter, Theodore and Penelope (if you don't know who Theodore and Penelope are you need to read our blog.)

kay said...

Your Mom loves you to the moon and back and wants very much to give you hugs!! So if I came down to SA soon would you play with me??

Rachael said...

Cat tongue in nose... this is begging for haiku treatment. I'll get back to you on that one.

Where are you *at* Kyle? I am back and forth to SA occasionally, and will be in Port A at the end of the month (am going to try to persuade my gaggle of beach girls that we MUST go to Shells this time!).

Finally, in lieu of the real thing.... {{{{HUGS}}}}

Chrissi said...

I just read this and I apologize for not keeping up with all the blogs lately....motherhood is busy, imagine that! Anyway, I know things have been hard on you and I don't blame you for not knowing exactly how to deal with them. But I have to say we have missed you terribly and if you were in need of affection you should have come a knockin! I know EXACTLY how you feel about that. And with or without a phone you had my fathers car and you know where we live and you are family and welcome ANY TIME of the day or long as you don't expect a clean house! Haha! Anyway, this whole point is moot since you have your wifey back (just read that blog too) but I just wanted to stress that we are here for you (and Van) no matter what. I think it goes without saying that we expect to see you both sometime very soon.
Love you dearly my amazing cousin!