Friday, May 08, 2009

Things are looking....well......

Let me start this post by saying that I am still not in South Korea, nor do I have any real idea when I will be getting there. That being said, I THINK that I will be leaving by the 15th of this month. For those of you wondering, I am waiting for my working Visa application to be processed. I had been hoping that things would be sped up by Van's being over there currently and my employment at SNET, however things don't seem to be moving any faster. SO... in the meantime, I have been going through a very interesting stage in my life. Van and my separation is taking a rather serious toll on both of our emotional well beings. I think her last post made that pretty clear for her but it has been brought to my attention that I don't seem to be displaying the same sentiments. Let me just assure you all that I too have had my “sky falling” days. I have discovered that my personal choice for dealing with emotional stress is a far less productive, withdrawal tactic, contrasted poignantly by Vans more expressive and, in my opinion, more beneficial methods. So for all of my dear friends, whom I have not made the effort to get together with, I truly hope that you all understand I still love and care for you all very much. I sincerely hope that none of you take my absence to be an indication of anything other than my stress and poor management of it. It is selfish, foolish and inconsiderate and I am sorry.

So during my time of self induced seclusion, I've had quite a bit of time to reflect on my state of mind and I've realized a few things that I thought I might share. It's not that I think these are words of wisdom or anything. I just think that perhaps by sharing my thoughts, it might help to alleviate some of the burden.

“Distance does make the heart grow fonder.” There's a part of this common phrase that either got left off, or was never there in the first place. Either way, it's important. Distance makes the heart grow fonder of it's missing piece. Distance also makes the heart realize just how incomplete it is.

“Idle hands are the Devil's tools.” Apparently, the Devil likes to play World of Warcraft. No matter how high my level gets, I still have a very low sense of accomplishment. If only I could really vanquish evil with a huge sword and magic spells of death and destruction.

“Sometimes, the best thing you can do for someone is to tell them no.” I can't tell you how many times I've started something I wasn't able to finish because I couldn't say no to it. One of the great lessons of my life will be to learn the value of knowing your own limits. Maybe one day I will get there. Then again, maybe I won't.

“The fool spends his money on possessions, the wise spends his money on experience.” What good are toys unless you use them? I've got way too much junk. I hate that I'm a pack rat. Time to streamline and start investing in my relationships.

As you can see, most of my thoughts lately have been rather pessimistic. I suppose that for someone in my position, it shouldn't really surprise anyone that I've been a bit down lately but that's got me thinking as well. Some of the “new age” philosophy I've read about and have been told about says that for good things to happen in your life, you have to put good vibes out there. If you're thinking negative, you exude negative energy and that attracts MORE negative energy. I get that. I guess I would say that I even agree with it to some extent but here's the thing; I think life is about both. Reality is not purely positive, nor is it purely negative. Our emotional states are constantly in a cycle of ebb and flow, back and forth, happy and sad, angry and relaxed. For me, this funk I'm in is a part of the whole. A process through which I will ultimately appreciate the good that comes of it even more. We always worry about those around us who seem like their having a rough time and with good reason. Some people get in a funk and never really get out. For all of you reading this thinking, man, Kyle's goin through some heavy $#@! right now, you're damn right I am and to be honest, I think it's a bit over due. I always thought of my self as a very happy go lucky kind of guy. I'm the mellow one. I'm the dude that doesn't sweat the small stuff. I think I'm realizing now that that guy, the cool Kyle, that's the real me, and no matter what I do or what I go through, nothing will change my essence. But for now, I've gotta do a little spring cleaning of the emotions and there's a layer of dust a few years thick so bear with me guys. Like they say, “the sweet ain't as sweet without the bitter.”


Aunt BB said...

Dear Kyle,

You have stumbled across a bit of wisdom that the yogis have talked about for thousands of years: DUALITY. If you have happy, you will also have sad. If the sky is clear one day, it will also be dark another day. Hot/cold, up/down, rich/poor. But in the end (they say) it all balances out. Which is helped, if we help ourselves out along the way.

So I'm not worried about either of you. I think you're learning essential life lessons, and you're both really digging in and experiencing it and exploring it. And that one day soon you'll be back on the upside swing of duality.

Love you both so much,
Aunt BB

bettyl said...

We all have our ups and down but know there is always light at the end of the tunnel!
I think you are using the time wisely by learning what NOT to do when left to your own devices.
Stay positive.

Veggie Mom said...

My hubz and I spent several months apart early in our marriage, when he moved across the country for a job and I stayed put to finish up a degree. It's difficult, as you well know, but doable. Absence, indeed, makes the heart grown fonder. I've never, ever encountered a truer truism!

BPOTW said...

I agree with the other commenters. There will always be those days. I'd say try to stay focused on the end goal...getting to be together again, and set smaller goals to help reach that. Easier said than done, I know. It's great to have a blogging medium for both of you. We didn't have this when my husband and I were separated for nine months out of the first year of our marriage.

TIm said...

Man, I feel like I am right there in the same space you guys are. Distance is tough. and overcommitment... well that can take you to some difficult places. Good luck to you both in this