Saturday, September 23, 2006

My first Random entry!

Ok so, I am stating this blog because Leslie suggested it as a way for us to keep up with one another. Right now at this moment, I am sitting on a layed out futon in our very disorganized "study room" amongst two white doggies. Every time I walk into this "study" I just think about how I don't know if it will ever be a room that real productivity can be performed. I cannot work in chaos, and we all know that Kyle can't work in chaos, but neither one of us wants to put it together. Acutually, last night, we thought about trying to buy a desk from BB&B, but when we checked our accounts we realized that we were both in the red! Ah, the joys of married life, and life after college. Finances were never either of our strong points, I guess we will just have to make more money!
Kyle is in Mediation conflict training all weekend. It is a 20 hour training session. That means from Fri 3-10, Sat 1-10 and sunday 9-1. I am going to be so bored. I took that same class, and this training was fun but mentally exhausting. You know when your brain has been used so much, that it feels like every ounce of brain power has been used, and it needs a recharge? So far he hasn't experience this phenomenon in the training, but give him time, he will.

Yesterday,Friday, the first day of Vanessa's solitude, I wasted my time, by taking a nap, reading, watching Garden State and playing on Facebook. Facebook is dangerously addictive. You can add pictures, write on people's walls, look at other peoples pictures. Check out everyone elses wedding, was it better or worse than yours. I have a long list of things that need to get done, such as write thank you notes, change my name, organize the study, write my biography for Nancy's family book, but am I doing any of those productive things while I have the time. No! Instead I find ways of wasting my time. Why? That is an excellent question. Because I am an avoider. I am not always this bad of an avoider, but when left alone, I don't want to be productive. I know I am not the only person with this problem, and I always get things done by the time they need to be accomplished, but why is it in our blood to just wait. Even things that aren't particularly painful, such as writing my biography, which might even be enjoyable, I avoid. I think maybe I avoid because I am afraid of failure or maybe because it is overwhelming. When I feel overwhelmed, I feel suffocated and unable to move, paralyzed if you will. I like being productive with other people. When Kyle is home, I do the dishes with him or fold clothing. Do I have a dependency on other people? Do I have a dependency on Kyle? maybe? We may never know.

I don't know if I am using this blog effectively. My thoughts seem so far to be incredibly random and not very thought out. I think quickly and I always imagine that people understand what I am trying to say by my one sentence explaination, but even when I go back to inspect my writing, I find that my thoughts are incomplete, and need much further elaboration. So I apologize for the randomness and incompleteness. I will try in the future to write with a goal and purpose. It might make my thoughts easier to follow.

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