Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Trials of marriage: A bamboozeled mess!
Laying lethargically in bed on a very lazy mid-day Sunday, Kyle looked at me and asked a question that has no definite answer. Kyle and I talked yesterday for the better half of the day. The question covered the much avoided topic of our immediate future. It is a question I hear a lot, but never have an answer. What are we going to do when Kyle graduates in December? Where will we go? What will we do? Will we continue to live where we are? Kyle will of course have one more Spanish class to take but he may take that class at any community college leaving us with no obligation to stay in any specific city. My advertising consulting job is both in San Antonio and Austin, but truly it could be from anywhere I please. We volleyed ideas and opinions from under the covers and uncovered many more questions wanting answers. The more we talked the more we confused ourselves. The whole situation and conversation was discomforting. I used to know what I wanted, but now I am not so sure. Well, that isn’t entirely accurate because I still have dreams and goals I just don’t know when I am to achieve them. When you put two ambitious people with different hopes and dreams together in a marriage you get a bamboozled mess! It’s like throwing two necklace chains in a jewelry box, shaking it up a bit, and pulling the two chains out with new knots and twists, not knowing where one starts and one begins. When I married Kyle, I knew I would be making sacrifices to conjoin our lives to one. I knew this willingly and accepted it because all though I am making sacrifices, they don’t have to be permanent deaths to my dreams, only sleeping pills to wake another day. But now I am in limbo waiting for my next door to open, hoping it is somewhere I would like to be. Kyle asked me what I want and where I want to be in a year from now, and it bothers me that I cannot answer that question. I can answer the question with what I would really like, but not what is actually going to happen. Don’t ask me what the conclusion of this half-day discussion was because I don’t know. I felt like progress was made, but no final decisions have been planted for permanent growth. Our life’s future is uncertain, but at least I know one thing assuredly, we will always have each other to complicate the other’s life.