2009 part dos

(part II of 2009 in review) written in diary form...

July 14

I have flown home without telling anyone but Kyle. He met me at the airport, and I hardly recognized him. I lost the parking ticket and we had to pay an exorbitant amount of money to leave the airport, but at this point I don't care. I would have paid $100, and for a cheapskate like me, that is a LOT of money. Kyle took me to a hotel in the historical King William's district. He had hand made chocolate covered strawberries and had scattered the room with rose petals. It was terribly romantic.

In the morning, I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to tell anyone that I was home for days. I wanted Kyle all to myself. He was in my arms, and I wasn't letting go.

July 16
I surprised my mom at work. She hadn't expected it. Her first reaction was "What's wrong?"

I have no desire to answer anyone's questions right now. In a way, I feel like a wounded pup afraid of another blow, but at least I have my husband and right now, that's all that matters.

August 28
We have been so lazy. I went from working full time, to spending my days as a cat, eating and napping, occasionally batting at things that pass in front of me. After spending a few restful weeks at the coast bathing in each others presence, life has resumed it's normal pace. No jobs as of yet. I have been looking, but without much success.

And man is it hot. This has been one of the hottest and driest summers on records, but thankfully last night God showered us with that much needed hydration in a thunderstorm to be remembered.

September 3

Our third anniversary we spent very casually with a picnic of Greek food at Comanche Outlook with a spectacular view of San Antonio. Have I mentioned that I love being married?

September 16
We just went through this life management seminar thingy- and I am wavering from hanging from a twinkling star with frolic, and falling over fro exhaustion and woe. I got so much out this weekend, and then it happened, Kyle admitted that he has been continuing to lie. And that first admission in February, was only partially truth. He never failed the tests. He never took the tests. He hasn't graduated STILL!!!

We had a 10 week one day a week Happiness seminar start Monday, and I had to fight the tears nearly every second we sat listening. My emotions were all cascading off the jagged edge together at the exact same time, and all I could do was sit like an outsider and watch has they collided and somersaulted together at the waters edge. It was if they were participating without my consent in some game I had chosen not to participate in.

September 30
I have come to the conclusion that what Kyle has done was admirable. Although he has lied to me in the past, he has come clean not only to me, but to everyone in his life, and I am choosing to view him not as a liar, but as a brave individual. I have to admit, I do not fully trust him yet, and he is still re-gaining my trust, but so far, I have been astounded with the changes I have seen in him. Landmark has done so much for our relationship. I am so glad that the truth has finally come out. We can finally move on with our lives!

October 25
For some reason, I can't get into the Fall spirit. I love Halloween. Typically Kyle and I carve pumpkins, but we never made the time this year.
I am tired of being unemployed. I am ready to be back in Korea. Kyle has completed his Spanish tests. And as I thought, he aced them all. I know because I listened on the phone as he spoke with Texas State (where he took his Spanish courses). Why he was so petrified to take them, I will never understand. There is much I will never understand about the workings of his mind. He is so close. He is almost a graduate. We have only been waiting for this moment for two years. I can almost feel victory in our hands!

November 14
Our Utah trip was a blast! I am so glad we got the opportunity to visit Leslie, Peter and Jennifer. I miss having friends. We have friends here, but we hardly see them. Many are busy, but I have also holed myself into a cocoon, and often don't wish to see the outside world. I enjoy the outside world when I see it, but I am feeling worthless recently. Being unemployed and in our particular situation makes me feel unaccomplished. I know that isn't true, but I feel lazy and slug like.

November 16
My only living grandparent is in the hospital. She was placed on the ventilator last night. As we were packing, I lay on the floor as useful as a pile of bricks. Thank God for my husband. He packed my clothes and lifted me from my fetal position from the floor and onto the bed. What would I do without him. Tomorrow will be a long day.

November 17
They gave her a ten percent chance of living yesterday. My mom was distraught as we drove the 7 hours to Lubbock. My mind was numb. nothing.

Later..
She can't speak because of the tubes in her throat, but she doesn't look on the brink of death. I am so relieved. I don't know what I would do without my grandmother.

November 22
She is officially out of danger and is breathing with the help of an oxygen machine instead of a ventilator. Kyle and I are going to go to San Antonio and Corpus for Thanksgiving. And, I think we have found a school we like in Korea. They have offered us positions. Yay!

(artist:Amanda Spicer)

December 11
After Thanksgiving, we drove back to Lubbock. Not before driving to Austin to take care of everything needed to apply for visas for our schools in Korea. We ended up driving to Austin twice and having to run in the rain quite a bit, but it has been done. Our papers have been sent off and now all we have to do is wait.

p.s. today is our dating anniversary! Happy nine years!

December 19
Today is Kyle's graduation date. He's not walking the stage, but as of today, he is a graduate!! Hurray!

December 29
Bad news: I can't get my visa before we our departure date. They aren't issuing visas this week. Stupid consulate.

December 31
In Houston with the Rogers clan. The video scavenger hunt was a blast! I can't wait to do that again next Christmas. Fireworks and a sillystring fight in front of uncle Tim's house was a perfect ending to 2009. This year, I am ready to be through with 2009. It is not a year I particularly want to hold onto. 2010, here we come!

2009 part uno

Had I kept a diary in 2009, rather than this blog, it might have looked like this:

January 1st:
We celebrated the New Years last night at a Casino which is exclusively for foreigners. Gambling in Korea is illegal, except for foreigners. Foreigners may throw away their money however they like. It was surprising however, how muted the excitement over the New Years was. I expected a big hooray like in the US, but instead, the players hardly looked up from their hands as we jumped up and down excitedly at the turn of a new year.

My feelings for the changing of the year is muddled. On one hand, it is like opening the first page of a book with sparkling white blank pages and fresh jet black ink in hand. The smell of the crisp uncontaminated paper is rejuvinating, and yet intimidating. What is one to do without guidelines? Is there really such thing as a fresh start?

As I hugged and kissed the other teachers as the fireworks on the television exploded in sprays of illuminated joy, I was painfully reminded that I had left my love on another continent. When will he get here? I hope it is soon. I hope it is before our ski trip!

February 14th

I cried on the phone today while talking with Kyle. I wanted to celebrate Valentines with him but he doesn't seem any closer to getting here than when I left. It's been really hard being here without him. My twin bed is cold and small and I miss snuggling in the crook of his arm and falling asleep feeling utterly and completely loved. Hugging my teddy bear just isn't the same.

February 15th

Kyle called as I was about to walk out the door to work out. This time he was crying. "You need to come home." were the only words I could make out. My heart stopped. I thought he was saying that someone had died. No one had died, but my complete trust in him died that day. He managed to tell me that he had been lying to me. He said he failed his tests and that he still hasn't graduated. How could he lie to me to my face? How could someone who loves you lie like that? My eyes shed no tears, but my heart wept and is weeping still. I am deflated like a withered balloon ignored for weeks, floating amongst the dust and dirt skipping along the floor. Kyle was staying in Dallas. I called my mom and told her the truth, but Kyle asked me not to tell anyone else. He is ashamed, so very ashamed. I won't tell anyone to protect him, but I hate lying. I hate that this is happening. I love him. I am not going to leave him. He promises he will make it up to me. I feel like one of those abused women who will believe anything? Am I being naive? Am I becoming one of those women?

He is going to stay with my mom while he takes his tests again. He needs help, but if I went home, I feel like I would just be enabling him. I want him to be able to take care of things on his own. I know he can, why can't he just find the confidence? I have confidence in him. My family thinks he could spin the Earth on one finger if he wanted to. Why can't he see what we see?

March 27th

Today is Kyle's birthday. I was hoping he would be in Korea to celebrate with me, but alas, he is still in Texas. He tells me he has passed his tests, but is waiting for the school to process his papers. I am so OVER waiting. I am OVER being alone. How much longer is this going to go on? Was it a mistake, my coming before he had his physical diploma? I am enjoying the work. I love the people I work with. I just wish that Kyle could enjoy it with me. This is a whole new world and its just not as fun without Kyle.

April 13

I am really disappointed today. My heart was determined to stay strong through my birthday. I was sure Kyle would get here by my birthday, and he's not. But my heart didn't break. I always think it will break, but it keeps on pumping. Spring is upon us, and although the flowers bring joy to my heart, there is an emptiness, a hole and nothing but Kyle can fill it.

The papers still haven't been processed. He swears he's telling me the truth. I believe him because I don't think he would lie to me again. Our relationship couldn't handle more lying.

And I am sick. I am sick ON MY BIRTHDAY! Boo.

May 5

In games class today, instead of playing games with the kids, I wrote a prose that I am really proud of. It was metaphorical of how my emotions are holding up pertaining to being separated from my love. I am surprised actually with how well I have handled it all. I fully expected to have fallen apart by now. Well, actually, I NEVER in my wildest imagination or worst nightmare expected to be apart for this long. But Kyle thinks he will be getting on a plane by mid May. He is having some issues with the state office where they give the appositille stamp, but at this point, we have decided to bring him over on a spousal visa just so we don't have to be apart while we wait for the paperwork to be processed. I CANNOT wait. Only a few more days until I hold my darling in my arms, and once he is there, you better believe I ain't letting go!

June 20
We recently went to a Korean baseball game and ate dried squid. I don't recommend the squid. It was like jerky, but fishy, but for whatever reason, they are all the rave at Korean games. The baseball game was fun- not that I really payed much attention to the actual game. I also attended the wedding of one of our Korean co-workers. If I do say so myself, I was looking good, but alas I didn't have a date. Kyle isn't here... this can't go on like this.

(artist: Jim kazanjian)

July 1
I had a meeting with my boss... unless Kyle can send his paperwork by the end of the week, they aren't going to hold his position. Not that I blame them. I don't blame them. In fact, I think they have been extremely generous and patient, more so than they needed to be. My contract ends in a week. If he doesn't get his paperwork in, I'm not going to renew my contract. I should be bummed, but really I am ecstatic. Either way, I am going to see my husband VERY VERY soon. What more could I ask for? A job? That's not even CLOSE to as important as being with my husband. The way I see it, either scenario is WIN-WIN.

...The next six months to follow in the next post...

The woebegone story of a Gingerbread house

Me, the gingerbread house Vanessa made.

Where to begin my short yet deplorable story... You could say that my origins are in a candy store... or possibly in the graham cracker manufacturing warehouse. But as I have little recollection of that time scattered across continents in cold unfeeling buildings, I will begin my story at what I consider the genesis, my design and construction by my ingenious master (sarcasm): Vanessa.

Merry notes of Alvin and the chimp monks Christmas song grazed the sickeningly sweet icing flavored air. They sat around a glass table, sipping their drinks chatting away as I lay waiting. I had been waiting a long time. From the time I was conceived of that loud machine, I knew I was destined for more that just someone's mouth and gut. Other crackers called me arrogant and idiotic, but really they were jealous because they must have known too. They must have seen that I was made to one day be the greatest invention of our century at least for our kind; A GINGERBREAD HOUSE. There was no doubt in my mind that one day some munchkin would mold me as the main decoration for Christmas. My life would be at least double as those of my sad pathetic kin folk. Each day, I worked to remain strong yet agile, solid yet malleable so that when the day came for my destiny, I would be the creme de le creme for a designer to mold me into that creation of such desirability amongst us.

"Why won't they stop talking and build already!" I demanded from my boxes and bags I lay dormant inside. Didn't they know that this was the moment I had waited for all of my life. Couldn't they feel my anticipation emanating from directly in front of them. Gingerbread making is the most prestigious of arts and yet they laughed and joked. Had I not been raised with more dignity, I might have smite them, but I held my composure.

My designer, an older specimen, not exactly munchkin size, seemed unprofessional as she hastily threw graham crackers up in a structure needing many more supports than she understood. But of course, what could her tiny brain understand? Did she feel the weight of the peppermints, chocolate chips and gum drops on her back? No, she did not, so what I ask, could she know of the needed structure I so desperately lacked. I deserved to be created into a ten story mansion, a tree house of great magnitude, even a Santa's workshop would have been acceptable, but how was I created, into what unseemly base construction? I'll tell you. A ONE story, yes O-N-E story house with a pitiful wrap around porch. I guess I should be grateful at least for the porch, even if it was poorly designed, but there were so many other grander homes being constructed around me, I yearned to be part of their creation. A church with stained glass windows, a home with solar panels and a palm tree, another with a chimney and a sign atop the roof with Santa and an arrow written out of red hots, but the most impressive was an igloo complete with penguins made from gummy drops and an Eskimo ice fishing made from tootsie rolls. My eyes roamed about envious of my kin who laughed in my direction. I didn't actually hear them laugh, but I knew what they thought of me, lamentable and inferior.

I was surprised how long I remained whole considering, but as soon as my delicate state greeted the humidity of San Antonio, I could feel my strength give way to the moisture. The car trip was miserable as the driver took each turn like a racecar and seemed to find every single pothole and bump in the road purposefully, just to mock my sad state. When we arrived to our destination, my creators aunt's house, my gumdrop doorway was falling, but worst of all, one of the side porches had taken the plunge. And my standing only deteriorated from their. It is always said of miserable situations that their intentions were good, but what use do we of "good intentions" if they end in slaughter. Yes, slaughter. And no I am not exaggerating. Her grandmother "accidentally" spilled tea on me and then "unintentionally" crushed me with her arm as she attempted to rescue the tea. What became of me? I was drenched and dejected. I had lasted as a whole and complete gingerbread house for an entire evening and met my fall the following day. I guess I should be grateful that I was created into a gingerbread house at all rather than ending my days in some sticky handed two year old's gut, but I can't say I'm not disappointed. Because as I said before, I was deemed for great things and my time has come and gone. And soon, as those greedy hands pick at me, I will diminish into nothingness, and only be remembered as the gingerbread house who could have been.

Jen's house (Santa, here's the chimney in case you can't see it!)

fisherman made of tootsie rolls

Do you see the tree? Or the solar panels?
The Church with stainglass windows and a very tall Heineken
Aaron and Laura, the cutest couple!

Update from the Hen House

First and foremost, Grandmother is miraculously on the mend. We're not in the clear just yet but the numbers are getting better day by day. Thank you all for the prayers and please keep them coming.

Now then, as Vanessa said earlier, the Sanders women have something of a reputation for being particularly...determined and...assertive. Some of those who are none the wiser might say stubborn and bossy however, I have seen first hand what happens to those men who brave those risky waters. Let's just say, nearly none are left to tell the tales. Seriously. Now consider that the past three days, I have been with 4 very determined and assertive Sanders women and one particularly feisty apple that didn't fall far from the Sanders tree. Now in all fairness, Grandmother has every right to be ordering people around, whether she's in the hospital or not and as Vanessa pointed out earlier she's on the mend and tossing out orders. She's truly an amazing woman. The other Sanders women certainly haven't failed to take the opportunity to get some things done around Grandmother's house that have been needing it for a while . Their approach to this however, has truly been an intriguing and novel approach to me.

Exhibit A; Betty Bob who is vacuuming nearly the entire house says to Sharon who is walking around doing an amazing job of supervising, "Sharon, will you move that chair out of the way?"
Sharon replies, "I'm gonna complain!"
Nancy chimes in, "What else is new!?"
And the chair gets moved.

Exhibit B; After dinner, while we are all sitting around the table discussing the day, there's a lag in the conversation and the time to clean has come. Sharon says, "No wash, no rinse, no dry!"
Betty Bob responds, "Well you can't go pretend to practice piano anymore cause there isn't one around!"
And the dishes get washed.
Sidenote; Sharon really did used to practice piano just to get out of doing chores. She admits it now, rather proudly I might add.


Now I have to say, it's been quite nice to feel useful lately. It's not often that I have 4 different tasks being "requested" of me at once and the progress being made around here really is inspiring. Furthermore, we haven't turned the TV on once and yet, I feel like I have had all the entertainment I need just listening to the bickeri....I mean conversations these Sanders women have. More than once, it's been pointed out to the nurses attending Mary Jo that she's not a complainer so asking her if she want's some Tylenol for the pain is like asking a polar bear if it wants more ice. It just won't make sense to the polar bear. Neither does it to Mary Jo. So without going into details, while her children have inherited so many of her good traits, they also differ from her in some ways. For every complaint Mary Jo chooses not to voice, her loving daughters are more than happy to pitch in 3 and toss in a few of their own! The thing about this that I find very interesting is while most groups accomplish tasks by having one person delegate and the rest following the orders, the Sanders hen house functions by having 4 delegators and one man to follow the orders! Ingenious!

Truth be told, everyone has been doing their part and we have truly been making some huge strides in getting Grandmother's house in order. If things keep going the way they've been, we will have a wonderfully clean and organized house for Grandmother to come home to. I just hope I'm still around when it's all done : \

Re-living Halloweens

The clock is ticking to closer to that much awaited holiday. You know of the one, I speak. The ghoulish holiday in which for one night, we mortals can dress as creatures and brutes not of this world. But the absolute best part about Halloween is that the crazier one dresses up, the more praise he or she receives. In truth, Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. It allows us to express ourselves in a way that might never be possible were it not for this blood curling tradition.

Some might call Kyle and I creative, others might refer to us as "coo coo," but either way, we LOVE dressing up, and each year we try to get as creative as possible, with as little money as possible, which makes Halloween a interesting challenge. This year, we have, as with most Halloweens, procrastinated until the last possible moment to figure out what we shall be, and we are coming up a little dry, which is where you come in, my creative friends and family. What should Kyle and I dress as this year, which would be fun, interesting and inexpensive. To give you an idea of some of the costumes we have featured in the past, I have posted pictures from previous Halloweens. Enjoy, and we would greatly appreciate your input and ideas.

This year we went as Wolverine and Rogue. You might notice that my gloves are actually dishwashing gloves, and my boots are galoshes.

This might have been our first Halloween as a couple, and at the last moment, shopping through Target, we came across some very cheap pink sheets and decided to be PINK GHOSTS. It was fun.

Halloween 2008, we went as dice. We made these out of boxes, paint and rope. Sadly those costumes got tossed.

These two pictures are of what I consider to be some of our best costumes ever. I love that we were both dressed as pumpkin costumes as children. My mom made my costume, and my fat little rolly polly arms just make the costume that much more believable.

Halloween 2006, shopping through Michaels for ideas, we decided to go as a painter and his creation. This is one of my favs as well.

I don't remember if we were Sharon and Ozzy for a Halloween event or if it was just a dress up Communication Council event that had nothing to do with Halloween. But I think we pulled it off pretty well.

I was a butterly this year, but you can't see my wings here, and Kyle was a vampire.

Italy Halloween 2005- I wore the apron we bought for Kyle's dad as my costume, and went as a naked man. Having just discovered "The Big Lebowsky" Kyle went as "THE DUDE" and carried milk in place of a white Russian.

Why dogs hate Halloween

My husband is a Goob!

It's sad but true. I married a genuine, inspector-validated goober, and there is no other word that appropriately describes Kyle, the kooky pacifist air-soft enthusiast and animal fanatic, except GOOB.

Proof and point- mega nerd!

Actually, on second thought, I take that back, according to dictionary.com the word DWEEB means a MEGA NERD. Mega-nerd- it's hilarious in itself, that the dictionary defines the word dweeb in the first place, but characterizing a person with the title as a mega-nerd is just pee in your pants, gasp for air ridonkculously uproarious!

Why you may ask, am I referring to my husband, the man I chose with my own free will to marry, in what may seem to the outsider as insulting. Well, I'll tell you, but I promise you will truly understand for yourself where the word GOOB surfaced from my elementary exiled vocabulary when you see these pictures for yourself!

Kyle has left me alone this weekend for an air-soft tournament. Its not really a tournament per say but a three day shoot 'em up fest for dudes and a very few brave ladies, who liked to play GI Joe as a kid and just never grew out of that phase. (If you don't know what air soft is, click here for an explanation) Kyle and I have been walking nearly every evening for exercise and for quality Kyle and Vanessa time. One evening, as we got ready for our walk, Kyle, to prepare for the weekend that he has been looking forward to for weeks, maybe even years, well, if we get right down to it, he has been anticipating this spectacular event before the kid was even born, put on his holster/vest/backpack and filled it with weight (water bottles, cream soda, a whisky bottle). It only took one glance. I bit my lip, but it, that word, gurgled and sputtered it's way out of ostracization -

"You are such a GOOB!" I spewed

"Your just saying that because of the cream soda" - smiled Kyle readjusting his holster thingy.

"Nope its everything" I said looking away making a useless attempt not to fall on the ground from laughter.

"Yeah, but you love it. You love that I am a goob." Kyle laughed with a knowing smile

"It's true, I love that you are a goob! You are my goob and I wouldn't have it any other way!" I admitted, grabbing at his outstretched hand!

And without further adieu: MY GOOB! Kyle Rogers, the wanna-be GI Joe!

GRRRRrrrr- hear my growl! :)

I wanted to wear the vest too! I guess I am a nerd as well. This is me, trying my hardest at being a sexy FBI agent. How am I doing?

QT was too embarrassed to watch!

My Reaction

I sat stunned into silence, only the steady increase of my heartbeat was audible above my ringing ears. The words "I've been lying to you" bounced like a crazed ping-pong ball against the floorboards, up to the ceiling, grazed the already cracked windshield and round and round the interior of our aging car. Normality and numbness was my reaction. I didn't feel anything, my skin and heart were like leather. A small voice whispered that I should be feeling some sensation at my husbands pivotal confession, but there was nothing, no anger, no shock, no sadness. It's like my body's defense to emotional trauma is to assemble a protective force field against pernicious emotional daggers, and any and all shards of malignant information is dammed out, keeping my heart safe from overload. The force field doesn't stand forever, its durability with time, usually a few hours, deteriorates, allowing fragments to penetrate slowly, rather than at the lethal speed in which it is thrown. I listened to my husband, a man I thought I knew through and through as one of the most honest people I had ever met, admit he had lied not about one thing, but about many many things, small things, important things, and trivial things. He had lied to me, not at the start of our marriage, but from the beginning of our relationship. And it wasn't one lie, but many. Lies that caused us to be on different continents for over half a year, separated and lonely for each others company. And trivial lies such as the time he didn't answer his phone for three days. When I finally spoke with him, he told me this elaborate, creative story of how he ran out of gas on the highway, and was robbed, and then had to return when the police found the stolen merchandise and then he had to go to the emergency room because he got dehydrated, when really he hadn't answered my call because he felt guilty about lying to me and couldn't face me, and then had to think of a reasonable excuse for not answering my phone calls.
"I'm not proud of it, but I will answer any questions you have. I will tell you the truth about every lie I have ever told because I am committed to having a truly open relationship with you. I want you to see the man I am being and not the man I was in the past." He said to me, holding my hands tightly, determinedly maintaining eye contact.

When the splinters finally broke my emotional force field, the pain seared my heart. I found myself unable to look at the man I promised to love and cherish till I die. Kyle broke his vows to me when he lied nearly every day of our relationship. How could a man whom I trusted so wholly with my heart have hidden this from me for so long? A man who lies to his wife surly doesn't love her, nor respect her. And what did that make me? A naive, gullible victim?

It took me a while, to wade through the torrent of emotions whirling like an unstoppable F5 tornado through my body, but I was able to grab at some of the more important ones. Who said that Kyle doesn't love me or respect me? The fact is, Kyle lied because he was afraid of the world and what they would think of him. What part of that fact implies that Kyle didn't love me? His lies had nothing to do with his respect or love of me, and solely to do with Kyle's feelings about himself and his self worth. He had lied to me because in his twisted logic, that was the only way he knew would keep me. He loved me, he showed me through his doting and affectionate actions every day. He had lied to keep himself protected from harm, but his love was true, and Kyle's being, the man I loved, was still there.

I asked questions, lots of questions. I'm still asking questions. And each day, I come to understand more and more that I'll never understand. Because he wasn't coming from a place of reason. When a druggie is looking for a fix, no matter what kind of person they might have been before the drugs, they do anything, even shameful, humiliating things to provide for their hungering addiction. And I think that in the same way drugs are poison and addicting, so is the fear that held Kyle. I am by no means defending his actions because every time I hear a new lie, I am appalled and newly jarred by this deceitful side. But I also realize that what Kyle has admitted to not only his wife but to ALL of his friends and family, the people he had lied to because he was afraid of losing their love and respect took astounding bravery. What Kyle did takes guts, more than just a little; his confession takes cajones. He is standing up and admitting to the world his faults, and taking what comes and I applaud him.

For a time, I was afraid that I wasn't going to be able to feel proud of Kyle because of his past, but I realize now that I am SO proud of who he is being and what he is doing now to make up for his wrong doings. I have now come to understand that Kyle's confession of his wrongdoings are evidence that he is a man who values the worth of his integrity. By his admission, he was risking losing me, but with the prospect of having an authentic relationship with his wife, rather than an empty one based in lies and deceit. His proclamation was proof of how much he valued and respected his relationships, especially our marriage.

Each day, I can see the real Kyle glimmer just a little brighter. The shame of lying imprisons, and now that he has unlocked his chains, his brightness is glowing more and more iridescent. His presence alludes an infectiously positive attitude and any fear of mine of being ashamed has been shoved aside. His lies were never out of malice, but a protective mechanism. I believe that his lying days are over because I see the freedom the truth has given him. Kyle Rogers is an amazing person, and although what he did in the past was hurtful, it is in the past. The past is the past is the past, and that is where it should stay. All we have is the present, and we shouldn't allow our past to interfere. My pride for my husband is inundating and amazingly, despite what I might have considered illogical in the past, I find myself falling more head over heals in love with him every day. Thank you to all of you who have shown your love and support through all of this. I can't tell you how much it means to both of us. Truly we are so very blessed.



(Some people may be surprised that we are broadcasting this very personal matter on such a public forum, and I want to explain a little why. Kyle valued re-gaining his integrity more so than losing a little pride, and I felt it necessary to throw my support behind my husband and assure any interested friends and family that we remain committed to our relationship and marriage. And that although this has been difficult, we felt that being open and honest with everyone in our lives was more important and felt less shameful than keeping this matter quiet.)

Optimus Kyle (Transformers reference)

Over a year ago, our friends the Grojean’s started talking to us about this “life changing” thing they had all started doing called Landmark Education. My knee jerk reaction was immediate cynicism with a heaping tablespoon of skepticism and just a pinch of smugness. I will admit though that I was slightly taken aback at just how convinced (at the time I may have said brainwashed) they seemed to be. These were what I considered to be highly intelligent people and yet here they were trying to convince me that I of all people could benefit from a life coaching seminar. So maybe it was more like a cup of smugness than a pinch but regardless, I listened and kept blowing them off saying, “oh I know exactly what that’s all about, my Dad does that crap for a living. I grew up with that language! Nothing there for me that I don’t already know, I assure you.” Well as of Tuesday night, Vanessa and I are now Landmark Grads. Let me just give you a taste of what was there for me.

The Big Kahuna thing I got, the Mamajama thing, the real Crème de la crème (do you get how important this is?) the thing that will undoubtedly have the largest and most lasting impact on my life is the realization that for the past 20 years of my life, I have been a compulsive liar! Half of you are now going WHAT THE HELL!? And the other half of you are going, well that explains a TON! So now that it’s out in the open, let me explain to you all just what that means for me:

1. Having made that about as public as I possibly could, I have now started living a life that is NOT founded on or surrounded by lies. Do you have any idea how liberating that is for a compulsive liar?
2. I am now no longer restrained by my fears of being judged by everyone around me which is why I began lying in the first place! Do you have any idea how liberating THAT is!?
3. I am now, for the first time in my adult life, experiencing what it’s like to have every single possibility that I can imagine available to me and most importantly, I can now take actions that will turn those possibilities into reality. In the past my lies protected me from my fear of failure, disappointment or judgment but in that "protection" it kept me from taking an active role in my life and the infinite possibilities available to me. I have unshackled myself from those irrational fears, and that my friends is true freedom.

Ok now pause, go back up to the part that says “The Big Kahuna” and read that section again real quick. I just want to make sure you are all getting this. I have lied to nearly every single person in my life for the past 20 years! I’m not saying it to be like “har har fooled you all, you suckers” I’m saying it because I want all of you to understand that if you are reading this now, chances are I told you a lie and for most of you, it was probably a big one. For example, I still haven’t graduated from college. Why would I lie about that, you might ask? Because in my mind twisted in illogical and irrational fear, you, my friends and family would think lesser of me. I lied to protect myself from being lowered in your esteem, but my lies didn't fix anything, rather they imprisoned me and helped to justify my inaction. I know it isn't logical.

Now here’s the thing. I imagine that somewhere, at sometime, someone has said the words I love you and didn’t mean them. That’s not the kind of liar I was so let me make this part perfectly clear. If I ever told you I love you, I meant it, and whatever lie I may have told you, it was because I love you that I said it. That’s a little unclear I think so let me try saying that in a different way. I am not by nature a proud person. I cry in the movie theatre, I tell childish jokes and laugh at them afterwards, in short, I rarely give two farts about what anyone I DON’T KNOW AND LOVE thinks about me. If you mean something to me though, if you have impacted my life even in the slightest way, I cannot help but want you to like/approve of/care about/love me as well.

I learned when I was five years old that it’s far easier to change how people think about you with WORDS than it is with ACTIONS. And so, I started telling lies, mostly about myself to make me look better but also to avoid responsibilities. As I grew older my skill set grew and I honed my deceptive ways into a fine art. I could go on all night about this but what I really want you all to know is that I thought all that “web weaving” would ever do is keep me protected from the judgment of others. Now I know that what it truly did was keep me from having any real relationships with everyone in my life. I want you all to know how sorry I am. I am truly so, so, SO sorry. Every single one of you has a very real place in my heart, and I was too blinded by my fear of losing your respect and acceptance that I couldn’t be who I really am with you. I have only been able to have real MOMENTS with all of you and that is NOT how I want to live my life. I am committed to starting new with all of you who are willing to let me. I take full responsibility for my actions and I willingly accept the consequences because they are worth far more to me than an empty life.

If any of you haven’t quite caught on to the full ramifications of this, let me just tell you how excited I am to be able to say that for the very first time, Vanessa and I are having a real relationship together. i.e. I have come COMPLETELY clean with her! I have admitted to my wife that I have lied to her about so many things for years and SHE’S STILL WITH ME!!! That should tell you something! She is truly an amazing and extraordinary person to be able to see me for who I am being and not for what I have done. I can’t express just how honored I feel to be married to her and I don’t care how many of you just threw up a little from reading it. Oh yea, and I told my parents as well and for the first time in over 10 years I am actually looking forward to talking with them! AMAZING!

Kinda makes me wonder how things would have gone had I just kept saying “nothing there for ME.” But anyways, these past few days have been a real rollercoaster. By the way, I’m not trying to imply that Landmark Education is that magic pill that makes all of your troubles in life go away. I assure you that it’s not and that if your still looking for that magic pill, let me know when you find it please. Living life is still a challenge and that ain’t changing but there’s a big difference between living your life thinking; “ya it’s a challenge and it SUCKS!” and thinking; “it sure is a challenge and I FREAKIN LOVE that!”

SO! If any of you are willing to let me start fresh with you, please, PLEASE let me know, and by the way, I know that you guys are all wondering what the lies were and let me say that I am more than happy to come clean but for one thing, it would take 5 more pages for me to confess all of them and none of you would read it all and for another thing, it ain’t easy for a compulsive liar to separate the facts from the fiction so let’s just do it on a one to one basis. If you want to know more, give me a call. I’m actually answering my phone now! AMAZING RIGHT!?

I Love you all so much and can’t wait to start having real relationships with all of you!

P.S.

Just in case any future employers may be looking at this and thinking, “good lord, I don’t want to hire a compulsive liar to work for me!” please just ask yourself this one question; How would it feel to know that you had an employee that was not only honest with you about everything they did and didn’t do, but held THEMSELVES accountable for all of their actions? That’s what I’m doing right now, and by the way, it’s infectious.

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32

Is Love enough?

Napolean and Josephine divorce?

I just finished the Josephine Bonaparte trilogy, three thrilling historical fiction books based on one of the most acclaimed love stories of all time, and it ended in divorce and death?? Why must all of these LOVE stories end in tragedy.

When I finished "Gone with the Wind", the most fervent love story of all time, I threw the book across the room. I couldn't believe that I read over 1000 pages only to learn that in the end, their marriage doesn't blossom into the love that they both desired, but decayed and disenegrated painfully in heart ache and despair. However, the difference between these two stories, is that Scarlette and Rhett are fictional characters, the came from Margret Mitchell's active and twisted imagination.

Josephine and Napolean are characters in French history, they were genuine human beings, with actual feelings, and authentic heart-break. Why was love not enough? I wrote a ten page paper in college about how Scarlette and Rhett's lack of communication, and their inability to say "I'm sorry" was ultimately their demise. This story galvanized my perfervid passion of the importance of communication. But Josphine and Napolean talked, they communicated, they were spirit-friends, as she called it, but it wasn't enough. Napolean was convinced he needed an heir to uphold their empire which deteriorated quickly after their divorce. I lay in bed next to my sleep-thrashing husband (he sometimes convulses in an agitated way while sleeping, especially when he is stressed), reading devotedly as I rabidly clung to the hope that in the end, they would be reunited. Maybe they were reunited in death, but they were not by each other sides in the end. It frightens me to read these stories of passion and woe as I often relate so strongly with the characters having had a whirlwind romance all of my own. Is love enough? Will it get us through the hard times? Often, there are small fractures hidden within the foundation which spur rapid crackling and ultimate severing in the end. Communication, as I have said before is key, open, honest, and heart-felt communication. However both of these stories took place during tumultuous times, the civil war, and the French revolution, situations which were not serendipitous to a healthy relationship. Hopefully there will be no uprisings, wars nor revolutions in our future, but no how much we will it, we cannot control all situations. I pray that love will bind us and in the future when our love is acclaimed as the most romantic in history (obviously I have a vivid imagination as well, as I do not actually believe that we will also rule an empire and be remembered throughout history, but for the sake of argument) it will not end in tragedy as so many of them do, but will end with "they lived happily ever after."


Interesting facts I learned while reading these fascinating books.
1. Napolean came to power directly after the French revolution. (Maybe I didn't pay enough attention in history, but I have both of these parts of history categorized in completely different compartments in my mind.)
2. The French Revolution and the American Revolution basically occurred simultaneously.
3. Women, in order to be beautiful, slowly poisoned themselves unknowingly with lead makeup base.
4. Napoleon's family was a crazy bunch of power-hungry deviants.
5. Napoleon and his family were not French, but Corsican. Corsica is an island to the west of Italy.
6. Josephine went through menopause before she was thirty because of the deprivation she went through during The Terror while being held in a disease-infested prison.


I hope you are able to read the books. They are remarkable!

Want a Ghillie Suit!? I'm Your Man!

For those of you that don't know; I, Kyle Rogers, am addicted to airsoft. What's that, you say? The most accurate description I can give you is to say that it's a bunch of guys playing army, shooting eachother with plastic bb's. Most people say, "like paintball?" Yes, It's like paintball in that you shoot people, but there are quite a few differences. For one thing, airsoft ammo looks like this:
and is made of plastic and is smaller than a pea.
Paintball ammo looks like this:

and is made of colored corn syrup and a plastic shell and is about the size of a grape.
Paintballs definitely bring on the hurt more than airsoft bb's

as you might have guessed, and it's a thousand times more messy. For those of you thinking, "but aren't little plastic bb's bad for the environment?" yes they are, but the demand for Biodegradable bb's is growing and as of yet, no birds seem interested in eating the plastic ones anyways. Even if they did, they're completely non toxic.
So why would guys want to play with guns that don't even hurt the people your shooting? Well, airsoft gameplay is more complex than paintball. Generally airsoft games consist of two teams that must accomplish objectives in an allotted amount of time. This could be anything from a "capture the flag" scenario to a "Search and Rescue" mission. Generally in paintball, it's mostly a "Team A, Kill Team B" set up. Both are fun, but Airsofters tend to be more strategic, team players where as paintballers seem to just like to shoot stuff. Airsofters do to, but we like to be more "proffessional" about it.
Another major distinction between the two is the equipment. Here are some pics, just to give you an idea of what an airsofter looks like and what a paintballer looks like.


See the difference?

Probably the biggest difference between the two is the guns themselves.

PAINTBALL

AIRSOFT
See what I mean? Now I guess someone like my wife would look at those to images and say something like, "What the hell Kyle!? There's no difference." Which is exactly what she just said to me. For those of you who are of like mind, airsoft guns are EXACT replicas of the real thing on the outside. Inside they are completely different but put a real one next to an airsoft one and the two guns will look identical. They are so realistic in fact that Military and Law Enforcement trainers use them!

So basically, paintball is all about having fun shooting, while airsoft is more about having fun playing GI Joe and shooting! Let me state for the record that I love both sports and don't mean to convey any disrespect for paintballers out there. I started off in paintball and a good part of my heart is still in it. The only problem is, I show up to a paintball game in my sniper gear and get laughed at, I show up to an airsoft game and get bowed down to. Ok I still get laughed at, but then no one can find me and I kill all ze infidels!

So here's where my addiction has taken it's new turn. Over the past few weeks, I have started doing some work for SAAirsoft at their new shop. I've pulled up tree stumps, done some work on airsoft guns and even spent Saturday at the gunshow trying to sell a few. Mark and Alma and their son Julian are fantastic people and I have had alot of fun getting to know them and learning more about this growing past time BUT, that's not really the "turn" I was talking about. So Mark and Julian mentioned to me that they have alot of kids come out wanting airsoft Sniper Rifles and this got me to thinking. When I was a kid I was obsessed with Snipers. I think it mostly came from having seen the old Tom Berringer and Billy Zane movie as a kid as well as Red Dawn, but also from a love of nature and being outdoors. One of my favorite things to do in Elementary and Jr. High was to play army with my buddies Dan and Chris. We would go out in the woods with our BDU's from the surplus store and spend hours hiding from each other or building forts. Honestly, we spent alot of time playing with GI Joes and blowing up Ken dolls. I should however make a point though that what we played with were a long shot from the cheesy neon crap the kids play with today. Our "GI Joes" were more flexible than a spider monkey and were decked out with accurately replicated gear. The Army Rangers may as well have modeled their gear off of our "toys"! As we grew older though, things evolved. We got bb guns and later paintball guns. We taught ourselves all about "stalking" and concealment and eventually became quite good at moving quietly and unnoticed through the dangerous fields of Suberbia. By 9th grade, we were playing paintball every other weekend and although I'm not sure Dan ever made one of his own, I had my very own, hand made Ghillie Suit. For those of you who don't know, that's the suit snipers wear to help them disappear. It looks like this:



and when a sniper wears one he looks like this:

That's me by the way. Can we say Where's Waldo? ;)


Anyways, after talking with Mark and Julian about the growing demand for sniper rifles, I thought it might be a good idea to make a few Airsoft Ghillie's to try to sell at their store. Now a real sniper spends alot of time crawling around on his stomach, but in airsoft, you generally have to be a bit more mobile and in Texas with our 100+ temps, a full ghillie can feel like a sauna. The perfect solution is the Stalker Poncho. It's a light version of the ghillie suit that helps break up the natural outline of the human body and allows the wearer to blend in but still be mobile.
So here's what I did:
1. Enlist the help of my "enthusiastic" wife.
2. Cut burlap till hands are nothing but blisters and play with lots of paint.
3. Watch paint dry. Super exciting....
4. Assemble ponchos so that Sniper can become one with nature. Be a tree, be a bush, be deer poop, WHATEVER!

4. Test in field. Here's me trying to be deer poop.

So anyways, I haven't made any sales yet BUT I have had quite a bit of interest and hope to get my little operation rolling as airsoft picks up more and fall starts coming back around. So that's what I've been up to lately! By the way, if you are like super jealous of my mad disappearing skills and want to be able to resemble deer poop at will, let me know! I will happily make you a good deal! And, if you want to know more about Airsoft or perhaps get your airsoft on, check out Julian's site at www.saairsoft.com Let him know I sent ya and brotha will hook you up!