Operation Cheesy Romance

There are some who might say I'm not a very good planner. Evidence certainly supports that assessment however as of a few weeks ago, that table is beginning to turn! Sept. 2nd marked the big 5 year for us and I wanted our celebratory date to be especially special this year. I think I pulled it off.

I spent almost all of August trying to come up with something, and let me tell you, it ain't easy in a foreign country. I knew of a very romantic restaurant that I had been to once before that was right on the river, not too far from where we live that had excellent duck. When I asked around about where it was however, no one seemed to know. Frustrating. So then I realized, I don't need to get fancy, just creative. Here's how it went; 

First I told Vanessa that I would be taking her out on a date Thursday night and that I had arranged to have our friend drive us there. I had a lot of secret planning and cooking to do though so I also crafted up a cover story that our International school Kapa would be shooting a commercial that evening and that I had been asked to help. I was going to help them as much as I could and then come home around 7:30 to get ready for our date at 8. 

I let some of my coworkers in on the plan about a week in advance so that I could enlist their help, so at 6:30 we met at the designated rendezvous and got to work. The menu for the evening was Filet Mignon with a home made mushroom, onion and redwine burgundy sauce. I whipped up some garlic mashed potatoes on the side and a stir fried Jambolaya/ dirty rice dish I winged a bit with coconut lime shrimp. I found an excellent wine from Montepulciano, not far from where we studied abroad in Italy and desert was "homemade heheh" brownies with strawberries and dark chocolate truffle shavings smothered in chocolate sauce. It took me about an hour and a half to get everything cooked up and ready and even then, if it wasn't for Sam Cooper and Kelly Middleton, I never would have finished in time! You guys were life savers! 

So while I was cooking away, I had our friends Linda and the Irish Gals help arrange the setting. Our village has a beautiful mini outdoor theater that now has a giant chess board in the middle of it with a huge white tent covering it on the top of a hill that overlooks our village.  Earlier in the day I had a few of the guys help me string up some Christmas lights and put a table and chairs in the middle of the giant chess pieces. Our buddy Mark had a brilliant idea and took the heater off his bathroom wall and stuck in under the table. Perfect touch! The girls then arranged about a hundred tea cup candles all over the tent and string up some lanterns. To put the finishing touches on, they even decorated the table with a beautiful centerpiece that rounded the whole thing off. Nice touch girls! Half the damn candles blew out but what can ya do and it was still incredibly beautiful. 

So I rushed back to the apartment at 7:30ish and told Van that I had pushed the reservations back to 8:15 and that Jay, our chauffeur, would be picking us up at 8. I quickly shaved off my scruffy beard and threw on a nice shirt and pants and we loaded up into our "limo." Jay took us around the village and up the hill, to our "fancy restaurant that came highly recommended." The place looked fantastic! Van was very surprised indeed. 

I had also arranged to have a few of the high school students from Kapa there to play some super cheesy romance music for us. They were perfect! Beauty and the Beast, Moon River and a beautiful guitar solo that I didn't recognize but was excellently done. Sam Cooper, I mean "Pierre" was our waiter for the evening and was hands down the best waiter we have ever had, except for that fact that he kept making passes at my wife. Sigh, the French. Anyways, the cheese and olive apertif plate was beautifully arranged in a flower shape and the wine was eloquently served. And if we needed anything we just needed to call. What more can you possibly ask for in a restaurant? 

To top it all of, we had an excellently executed fireworks display that added just the right amount of over the topness to make the evening one for the record books. V says it was the most romantic thing I've ever done and all the guys in the Village now hate me for raising the bar so high. I hate to gloat but I'm quite proud of myself for pulling this one off, even if it was 5 years and 1 month over due! 

A special thanks goes out to Linda, Lisa, Helena, D, Mark, Sean, Jovan and especially Kelly and Sam. You guys were awesome and I couldn't have pulled it off without yall! 

"Lucky" anniversary video

Starting in April, I began to think about what I could do to give Kyle as a special anniversary present. What I came up with was a homemade music video.  I thought it'd be fun to put together a video of Kyle and me as a loving couple put to a LOVE song. I interrogated Kyle on what he thought "our song" was, but each song he listed was.... well... they didn't work, for one reason or another.  Eventually I decided upon "Lucky" by Colbie Caillat and Jason Mraz. I felt the song was an accurate portrait of our relationship.  I then gave the video camera to friends, explaining in secret what I was up to, and set them to work on capturing us at our most gushy moments.  At one point, Kyle catches on that every time the camera is running, I make attempts at being especially loving.  This can be heard at the very end of the video.  If you have trouble viewing the video, please alert me.

Do you hear me? I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying

Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Ooh ooh ooh

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again

Lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair

Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning 'round
You hold me right here, right now

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again

I'm lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

Ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh, ooh
Here's the video

White day

March 14th is white day here in both Korea and Japan.  What is white day? It's a further continuation of Valentines day.  You see, Korea doesn't think Valentines goes far enough.  One day to celebrate "LOVE" is insufficient.  Therefore, it is necessary to have not one extra day, but two extra days; white day and black day.  In Korea, Valentines day isn't exactly the same as inside the USA.  In the US, a typical couple might buy chocolates, flowers, expensive presents and go out on a date.  In Korea, girls are supposed to give their boyfriends chocolates on Valentines, and it is common to rent (for only a few hours) a love motel.  We have discussed love motels in past posts.  They affectionately were bestowed with this name for their almost sole purpose of "encouraging love" that might not otherwise happen as almost all unmarried individuals live with their parents until their marriage. Dates also occur, but it's not like in the US where every romantic restaurant is laden with doe eyed love birds.  March 14th, white day,  is essentially the other half of Valentines.  It's the day when the boyfriend gives his girlfriend a present- typically just candy- although that trend is changing.  Black day on the other hand is April 14- singles day. This could be considered a national revenge of the unromantized population.  Single friends celebrate their singledom and freedom by going out to dinner to partake in a black sauce and noodle dish.  Some might claim that it is to celebrate the love of friends, but in reality, no one in Korea ever wants to be single, at least the ladies.
Kyle and I meant to do something for Valentines day, but we didn't get around to it this year. So for white day, we made a lentil meatloaf- I will include a recipe at the bottom, and had a double date with another couple who lives in our building.  It was lovely.  Going out on dates takes a LOT of effort in a foreign country so it's nice to have other couples around to double date with.

Here is the recipe:

We made some changes however-
two eggs instead of one
We added real garlic, mushrooms, and kidney beans
only 1/3 cup oats as ours weren't quick cooking.
And Viola- delicious meal- even the carnivores agreed!

Really Good Vegetarian Meatloaf (Really!)

By SaraFish on July 11, 2002

Photo by Veggie Girl Kacey

260 Reviews

• 
• Prep Time: 10 mins
• Total Time: 1 1/2 hrs
• Servings: 4-6

About This Recipe

"High in fiber and protein, low in fat, easy and really yummy! I've always think meatloaf looks and smells so delicious and savory so, as a vegetarian, I decided to make a no-meat version! This is basically our favorite meatloaf recipe but with cooked mashed lentils instead of ground meat. The result is a very tasty dinner!"

Ingredients

• 2 cups water
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 cup lentils
• 1 small onions, diced
• 1 cup quick-cooking oats
• 3/4 cup grated cheese ( cheddar, swiss, jack or american)
• 1 eggs, beaten
• 4 1/2 ounces spaghetti sauce ( or 4.5 ounces tomato sauce)
• 1 teaspoon garlic powder
• 1 teaspoon dried basil
• 1 tablespoon dried parsley
• 1/2 teaspoon seasoning salt
• 1/4 teaspoon black pepper

Directions

1. Add salt to water and boil in a saucepan.
2. Add lentils and simmer covered 25-30 minutes, until lentils are soft and most of water is evaporated.
3. Remove from fire.
4. Drain and partially mash lentils.
5. Scrape into mixing bowl and allow to cool slightly.
6. Stir in onion, oats and cheese until mixed.
7. Add egg, tomato sauce, garlic, basil, parsley, seasoning salt and pepper.
8. Mix well.

Page 2 of 2Really Good Vegetarian Meatloaf (Really!) (cont.)

Directions (cont.)

9. Spoon into loaf pan that has been generously sprayed with Pam (non-stick cooking spray) or well-greased.
10. Smooth top with back of spoon.
11. Bake at 350 degrees for 30- 45 minutes until top of loaf is dry, firm and golden brown.
12. Cool in pan on rack for about 10 minutes.
13. Run a sharp knife around edges of pan then turn out loaf onto serving platter.

A decade later

New Years 2000-01 about three weeks after that first kiss.  I'm pretty sure I was already in love here.

Ten years ago on December 11, 2000, Kyle and I became an official couple.  We had been friends for over a year, but I barely knew the guy.  No one could say they REALLY knew Kyle.  He had stayed hidden in the shadows of the lockers, an observer and participant.  He was an actor like the rest of us, chatted with us but remained aloof in a way that wasn't obvious.  He had dual citzenship into both worlds.

Although we had known each other for a while, my crush didn't start developing until we were cast into roles as leads in the play "The History of Tom Jones."   His character Tom Jones, who was always trying to do the right thing, always ended up in the wrong places at the wrong time, kissing the wrong girls and generally was blamed for everything.  (Don't feel too bad for him, he got to kiss four girls in this play) Sophia (I) was his love interest.  But in real life, Kyle (Tom) was mine.

Kissing my crush on stage was a double edge sword, tortuously exhilarating. Maybe I'm a closeted masochist.  The crush continued long after the play had ended, but nothing but flirts came my way.  He was flirtatious enough to keep me hanging by a thread, but distant enough to make me bang my head against the stage in utter and complete confusion.

Up until then, I had had other boys to chase, other flirtations to lead.  I had always been the chaser, but when the mouse actually came my way, stood in front of me and looked into the eyes of the hunter, I had tucked my tail beneath my legs and sprinted to the nearest exit.  I was flirtatious, I enjoyed the thrill of hunt, but I never meant to actually attack, just stalk, that is until Kyle.  Maybe that was his plan all along. Maybe he could sense that I was a feline who needed a seemingly endless chase to be tricked into settling.  Maybe, had Kyle walked into my set trap the first or second time, I would have simply left him the cheese to nibble on and walked away.  But as it turned out, I didn't leave.  I honestly don't know what made the difference.  He called one day, and I could tell by the sound of his voice that he had made up his mind, that I would no longer dangle forever swatting at the catnip and I could have turned on my heels and made a run for it as I had always done in the past, but instead, I ran straight into his arms or rather his lips.  He claims, he had no intention of kissing me that day he came over, but we all know what sixteen year old boys are like and boy am I glad he went with his impulse.

The following day at school, I knew would be disastrous.  He would surely be awkward.  Would he pretend it hadn't happened?  He was male after all.  But there he was, waiting for me by the front door of the theater building, ready to show the world that he meant business.  That that kiss, wasn't just an impulse but some type of badge of liking (probably too early to say commitment).  He really did like me.  That like soon swirled into love and later, five years later, even marriage.

I can't believe it was ten years ago when that first kiss happened.  He was my first "true kiss." He was my first "real boyfriend."  How did it happen that I kissed the boy that I was going to marry on that fateful day? Sometimes I forget how much I love Kyle, but when I remember, when I am reminded of what my life would look like without his constant love and affection, I thank God for our lives being brought together.

I love the way he cries when he laughs.  I love how he isn't afraid to kiss me in public.  I love that he can make me laugh until my stomach cramps.  I love that he tames the beast when I get so angry I grow extra heads. I love that he has dreams and confidence that our dreams are attainable.  I love that he challenges me in ways no one else does.

I once made a list of characteristics of what I was looking for in a boyfriend/husband.  Besides being rich, he met every requirement, no one is perfect. We are so blessed in so many ways.  I thank God for these ten beautiful years with that 16 year old boy who is now my husband.

He asked me to homecoming "as a friend" before we started dating.

Our first prom

Our doorbell rang at 9 am on a Saturday.  Kyle ran to answer it.  He came back with these.  (Flowers are really special in Korea because they are ridiculously priced) It was a nice way to start the morning of our anniversary.

We're being featured

I know, I know, we aren't exactly newlyweds anymore, but the author of the blog has been married about the same amount of time as us, and they still consider themselves newlyweds. The hostess, Jenna, has a personal blog along with a cool feature where she interviews newlywed couples. It's a neat site and I urge you to read some of the other posts on their as well as ours. So head on over and read our story- that is, if you don't know it by heart already :)

4 years down, 96 more to go!

When I was 11, I had a serious discussion with my friends about what we would be doing at certain points in our lives. By the time we were 16 we would all have the coolest cars. By the time we were 20 we would all be going to the best Universities. By the time we were 25 we would all be making a million dollars, have 3 to 6 kids, a huge house, a boat, jet skis, guns and 4 dogs.

Now that we are officially "old" by 11 year old standards, I think we would all be happy to just be out of debt. Most of us have cars that we pray will last another year, I barely squeaked by with a degree from a fine school that took me 6 years to get and I currently live in a mold infested apartment that has AC that works 15 minutes every hour. Things don't always go as planned.

But sometimes something happens in your life that you didn't plan for that has a profound effect on the rest of your life. 10 years ago I met a girl who's playfulness and melt your heart smile sucked me in like a magnet and sent my 16 year old hormones on overdrive. I had no idea then that this beautiful, hardheaded, fantastically bold person would enrich my life in more ways than I could ever have imagined. She is my best friend, my unending source of confidence, and an ever constant inspiration. And I was the lucky bastard that won her over at 22! Sometimes something happens that looking back you think, with everything in my life that didn't go the way I wanted, one thing did. Four years ago my soul was officially united with it's perfect match. We are different people and sometimes it's hard to believe the puzzle pieces fit but we are truly, deeply and God willing, unendingly bound to each other and as of yesterday, for the 4th year in a row, I am the luckiest man on the planet.

The marriage that keeps going and going and...

I understand now.
I understand how easy it is to fall into a routine with a person.
I understand how easy it is to stop showing the most important person in your life that you LOVE them.
I understand how easy it is to forget to be in a marital relationship, not just two people living together.

I never understood before how people could just "fall" out of love. Doesn't love last forever I thought?

When we are young, we read the fairy tales and watch the romantic princess movies, and the endings are always the same, they got married and lived "happily ever after." When we are young, it is understandable to believe that marriage is the end of the road. It is the finish line, that once you cross, the race is over, and the cool down can begin. In some ways, that metaphor is true. Marriage is the finishing line for the single life, for the rat race of finding "mr./ms. right." But in many ways, it is the starting line. It is the start of a commitment. A life long commitment.

Kyle and I were joking the other night about our contract with English Village, and how we were thankful that it wasn't more than a year. A year of chaos, is probably as much as we could handle before loosing what little sanity we have left.
The next part of the conversation is a little hazy but I said something about quitting Kyle (jokingly of course).
And Kyle's response was, "uh-huh, you signed a life long contract with me."
And it hit me, when we (people) get married, we are signing on for the duration of the rest of our life. It is pretty crazy to think that anybody would willingly sign something agreeing to one thing, the same thing for their entire life. When I thought about it in terms of contracts I was really hit with the longevity of it.

Don't worry people, I'm not getting cold feet three years into our marriage. But it is something to consider, looking at it from a different vantage point.

In recent weeks, as I have mentioned in earlier posts, we have been going going going, like two energizer bunnies with fully charged batteries. Working during the work week from 8:30 am-8:15 pm. Finding time to work out, to write, to rest were all on top of the list for the "to do" list after work. However, not on that list was to appreciate each other, or to love each other. And make no mistake people, those should be on a "to do" list of a married couple. Sometimes when we slip into one of our routines, I feel like we forget how to "be in love." And in actuality, I forget to love Kyle. I forget to appreciate him for the man I married, and not just the person I spend most of my time with. It is so much easier than I ever imagined to turn into "an old married couple." A successful marriage is not one that doesn't split up in my opinion. There are plenty of couples who remain together but no longer as a husband and a wife, but as two people who just happen to occupy the same house. An old married couple who no longer bother to even look at each other, or kiss each other because it takes too much effort, is not what I am striving for in my marriage. But I understand it now.

I have understood from the beginning that a marriage takes work. I was under no illusions that marriage is always a piece of chocolate cake, gooey, and delicious. But until now, I didn't think that falling into a loveless marriage would ever be possible for Kyle and I. We are so alike, we love each other with a fierceness. We call each other pet names and we aren't afraid to display public affection. But guess what? We aren't immune to the blah-ness disease. The disease of rote pattern, and blinders. The disease of selfishness and lack of consideration. The disease of loosing the romance and not bothering to look for it. I wish their was some sort of immunization one could take at their wedding ceremony to prevent these sad occurrences from plaguing our lives, from preventing life from wedging it's way into our relationship, but there isn't a magic elixir to prevent it. There is only us.

The antidote, for us at least, and most relationships (in my opinion) is effort. Effort to remember the other person. Not just to remember them, but to remember that they are a separate person with feelings, wants and desires all of their own, not necessarily connected to our own. Effort is remembering to kiss the special person, to show them the affection you wish they would done on you. Effort is remembering that cuddling next to someone should never just be habit, but something to cherish each and every time. We have to put effort into our relationships, treat that other person as we would want to be treated.

Our weekend of R and R, was just what the romantic doctor ordered. A short time to appreciate each other, to remember to be in a relationship outside of work, outside of friendship, outside of being roommates. We were able to take the time to look each other in the eyes for not just a second, but for minutes, melting into each others souls as we used to do when we first found each other. We told each other "I love you" not just because it was "that time" to say it, but because we meant it and because it had to be said before it exploded out of us. Taking time to remember to love each other, is what I found is extremely important in keeping our marriage vibrant.

So this got me to thinking; What do you do, to keep your marriage or relationships alive? How do you keep the love from slipping away into the abyss?

Happy Birthday mi amor!

Kyle hit a milestone yesterday, he is now officially 26 years old, he is over the hump and sliding the downward slope towards 30. Of course, we don't talk about how I am technically a year older and that my birthday is very rapidly galloping towards us, even as we type/speak. We are just going to ignore that huge looming 7. Nope, if I just don't acknowledge it, then it doesn't happen right? At least that is the school's philosophy, and it is doing them wonders!

What did we do for Kyle's birthday? What did we do to celebrate this great event, the acclamation of the day of his screaming entrance into this little ole world? Next to nothing, and it was glorious! Friday night (the night before the actual blessed day), we did actually go out on the town, and by "town" I mean Yangpyeong which is technically a town, but still in the boonies. We chose Friday night because originally, we had planned on doing a big hoopla in Seoul on Saturday night. We were going to celebrate with friends from English Village on Friday night, and friends in Seoul on Saturday night and have an entire weekend of unending celebration, because let's face it, Kyle is magnificent, if I do say so myself. However, after a month of consecutive weekends lacking of sleep and full of unending fun, we decided that what we really needed was rest. What we really needed was a sane house that wasn't turned inside out. What we really needed was some quality Kyle and Vanessa husband and wife time and going out for Kyle's birthday was only going to continue the current streak of exhaustion.

So what did we do?
Friday we went out for some duc-galbi (a Korean chicken dish which Kyle hadn't yet tried and is probably my favorite Korean meal) and we went bowling. Yes bowling, which is surprisingly nearly identical to bowling at home.
Saturday
-slept in till 12 pm. We didn't even stay up that late. I am guessing we got a little over 10 hours of sleep.
-made breakfast tacos (with ingredients from Costco! Thank God for Costco, cheese and tortillas come to mama!)
-watched a movie
-did laundry (our house now feels like a tropical island with the amount of humidity since we have three loads of laundry hanging around drying)
-went out for sushi and Baskin Robins ice cream
-watched another movie
-went to bed

Sunday
-slept in again
-worked out
-ate lunch
-watched an unfinished movie from Saturday
-worked on the "to do" list


This weekend was marvelous, and if that makes me old, so be it. We had a weekend to catch up on sleep, chores and each other- nothing short of perfection. Happy birthday darling! I am so thankful that you were born.


*Note* neither of these pictures is from his actual birthday. We forgot the camera :(

My Reaction

I sat stunned into silence, only the steady increase of my heartbeat was audible above my ringing ears. The words "I've been lying to you" bounced like a crazed ping-pong ball against the floorboards, up to the ceiling, grazed the already cracked windshield and round and round the interior of our aging car. Normality and numbness was my reaction. I didn't feel anything, my skin and heart were like leather. A small voice whispered that I should be feeling some sensation at my husbands pivotal confession, but there was nothing, no anger, no shock, no sadness. It's like my body's defense to emotional trauma is to assemble a protective force field against pernicious emotional daggers, and any and all shards of malignant information is dammed out, keeping my heart safe from overload. The force field doesn't stand forever, its durability with time, usually a few hours, deteriorates, allowing fragments to penetrate slowly, rather than at the lethal speed in which it is thrown. I listened to my husband, a man I thought I knew through and through as one of the most honest people I had ever met, admit he had lied not about one thing, but about many many things, small things, important things, and trivial things. He had lied to me, not at the start of our marriage, but from the beginning of our relationship. And it wasn't one lie, but many. Lies that caused us to be on different continents for over half a year, separated and lonely for each others company. And trivial lies such as the time he didn't answer his phone for three days. When I finally spoke with him, he told me this elaborate, creative story of how he ran out of gas on the highway, and was robbed, and then had to return when the police found the stolen merchandise and then he had to go to the emergency room because he got dehydrated, when really he hadn't answered my call because he felt guilty about lying to me and couldn't face me, and then had to think of a reasonable excuse for not answering my phone calls.
"I'm not proud of it, but I will answer any questions you have. I will tell you the truth about every lie I have ever told because I am committed to having a truly open relationship with you. I want you to see the man I am being and not the man I was in the past." He said to me, holding my hands tightly, determinedly maintaining eye contact.

When the splinters finally broke my emotional force field, the pain seared my heart. I found myself unable to look at the man I promised to love and cherish till I die. Kyle broke his vows to me when he lied nearly every day of our relationship. How could a man whom I trusted so wholly with my heart have hidden this from me for so long? A man who lies to his wife surly doesn't love her, nor respect her. And what did that make me? A naive, gullible victim?

It took me a while, to wade through the torrent of emotions whirling like an unstoppable F5 tornado through my body, but I was able to grab at some of the more important ones. Who said that Kyle doesn't love me or respect me? The fact is, Kyle lied because he was afraid of the world and what they would think of him. What part of that fact implies that Kyle didn't love me? His lies had nothing to do with his respect or love of me, and solely to do with Kyle's feelings about himself and his self worth. He had lied to me because in his twisted logic, that was the only way he knew would keep me. He loved me, he showed me through his doting and affectionate actions every day. He had lied to keep himself protected from harm, but his love was true, and Kyle's being, the man I loved, was still there.

I asked questions, lots of questions. I'm still asking questions. And each day, I come to understand more and more that I'll never understand. Because he wasn't coming from a place of reason. When a druggie is looking for a fix, no matter what kind of person they might have been before the drugs, they do anything, even shameful, humiliating things to provide for their hungering addiction. And I think that in the same way drugs are poison and addicting, so is the fear that held Kyle. I am by no means defending his actions because every time I hear a new lie, I am appalled and newly jarred by this deceitful side. But I also realize that what Kyle has admitted to not only his wife but to ALL of his friends and family, the people he had lied to because he was afraid of losing their love and respect took astounding bravery. What Kyle did takes guts, more than just a little; his confession takes cajones. He is standing up and admitting to the world his faults, and taking what comes and I applaud him.

For a time, I was afraid that I wasn't going to be able to feel proud of Kyle because of his past, but I realize now that I am SO proud of who he is being and what he is doing now to make up for his wrong doings. I have now come to understand that Kyle's confession of his wrongdoings are evidence that he is a man who values the worth of his integrity. By his admission, he was risking losing me, but with the prospect of having an authentic relationship with his wife, rather than an empty one based in lies and deceit. His proclamation was proof of how much he valued and respected his relationships, especially our marriage.

Each day, I can see the real Kyle glimmer just a little brighter. The shame of lying imprisons, and now that he has unlocked his chains, his brightness is glowing more and more iridescent. His presence alludes an infectiously positive attitude and any fear of mine of being ashamed has been shoved aside. His lies were never out of malice, but a protective mechanism. I believe that his lying days are over because I see the freedom the truth has given him. Kyle Rogers is an amazing person, and although what he did in the past was hurtful, it is in the past. The past is the past is the past, and that is where it should stay. All we have is the present, and we shouldn't allow our past to interfere. My pride for my husband is inundating and amazingly, despite what I might have considered illogical in the past, I find myself falling more head over heals in love with him every day. Thank you to all of you who have shown your love and support through all of this. I can't tell you how much it means to both of us. Truly we are so very blessed.



(Some people may be surprised that we are broadcasting this very personal matter on such a public forum, and I want to explain a little why. Kyle valued re-gaining his integrity more so than losing a little pride, and I felt it necessary to throw my support behind my husband and assure any interested friends and family that we remain committed to our relationship and marriage. And that although this has been difficult, we felt that being open and honest with everyone in our lives was more important and felt less shameful than keeping this matter quiet.)

Is Love enough?

Napolean and Josephine divorce?

I just finished the Josephine Bonaparte trilogy, three thrilling historical fiction books based on one of the most acclaimed love stories of all time, and it ended in divorce and death?? Why must all of these LOVE stories end in tragedy.

When I finished "Gone with the Wind", the most fervent love story of all time, I threw the book across the room. I couldn't believe that I read over 1000 pages only to learn that in the end, their marriage doesn't blossom into the love that they both desired, but decayed and disenegrated painfully in heart ache and despair. However, the difference between these two stories, is that Scarlette and Rhett are fictional characters, the came from Margret Mitchell's active and twisted imagination.

Josephine and Napolean are characters in French history, they were genuine human beings, with actual feelings, and authentic heart-break. Why was love not enough? I wrote a ten page paper in college about how Scarlette and Rhett's lack of communication, and their inability to say "I'm sorry" was ultimately their demise. This story galvanized my perfervid passion of the importance of communication. But Josphine and Napolean talked, they communicated, they were spirit-friends, as she called it, but it wasn't enough. Napolean was convinced he needed an heir to uphold their empire which deteriorated quickly after their divorce. I lay in bed next to my sleep-thrashing husband (he sometimes convulses in an agitated way while sleeping, especially when he is stressed), reading devotedly as I rabidly clung to the hope that in the end, they would be reunited. Maybe they were reunited in death, but they were not by each other sides in the end. It frightens me to read these stories of passion and woe as I often relate so strongly with the characters having had a whirlwind romance all of my own. Is love enough? Will it get us through the hard times? Often, there are small fractures hidden within the foundation which spur rapid crackling and ultimate severing in the end. Communication, as I have said before is key, open, honest, and heart-felt communication. However both of these stories took place during tumultuous times, the civil war, and the French revolution, situations which were not serendipitous to a healthy relationship. Hopefully there will be no uprisings, wars nor revolutions in our future, but no how much we will it, we cannot control all situations. I pray that love will bind us and in the future when our love is acclaimed as the most romantic in history (obviously I have a vivid imagination as well, as I do not actually believe that we will also rule an empire and be remembered throughout history, but for the sake of argument) it will not end in tragedy as so many of them do, but will end with "they lived happily ever after."


Interesting facts I learned while reading these fascinating books.
1. Napolean came to power directly after the French revolution. (Maybe I didn't pay enough attention in history, but I have both of these parts of history categorized in completely different compartments in my mind.)
2. The French Revolution and the American Revolution basically occurred simultaneously.
3. Women, in order to be beautiful, slowly poisoned themselves unknowingly with lead makeup base.
4. Napoleon's family was a crazy bunch of power-hungry deviants.
5. Napoleon and his family were not French, but Corsican. Corsica is an island to the west of Italy.
6. Josephine went through menopause before she was thirty because of the deprivation she went through during The Terror while being held in a disease-infested prison.


I hope you are able to read the books. They are remarkable!

Get a way

So we are going to the Texas coast for a little getaway tomorrow. It is very exiciting. I can't wait to have some quality time with my hubby. Sorry for my absence, I am sure you all understand though. I am still getting over my jetlag. For instance I took a 3 hour nap today after getting 8 hours of sleep last night.

Surprise!

Some of you may know this by now as the cat's been let out of the bag, but for those of you still in the dark, I AM HOME. Home as in Texas. No one get toooo excited as this is not a permanent move back home, but I will most likely be here for a few months. So to answer some of your questions:

What!!??:
Being away from your husband for 7 months is WAY too long. I love my husband and never wanted to be away from him for even a day and it was decided that we should no longer be apart.

Wait.. Why?:
Basically the school said that they could no longer hold Kyle's position for him and their wouldn't be another opening until probably October, maybe earlier. I sat down one day to discuss my expiring contract with my boss one morning when she broke the news. I could either choose voluntarily to be without my husband for three months or I could leave at the end of my contract which was the following week.

Who did you tell?
Kyle and people at my school. But because it all happened so fast, and unexpectedly, we decided to keep mum about it and surprise the folks at home. SURPRISE!

How did it feel seeing Kyle for the first time?
Honestly, it was really weird. You know the feeling when you look in a mirror and you don't recognize yourself, that was what it was like seeing Kyle for the first time when I was stepping off the plane. He seemed almost like a stranger to me, a stranger that I non-the-less couldn't stop kissing or hugging and wouldn't let go of. I had seen him several times a week when we would use skype so it wasn't as if I hadn't seen his new hair cut (which is SHORT) or didn't remember what he looked like, but seeing someone on a computer screen and seeing someone in real life are two entirely different things.

How do you feel?
I was excited coming home to Kyle and I am glad to see family and friends, but in all honesty, I feel emotionally numb. It wasn't how I wanted things to work out and I don't think I felt emotionally prepared for it all. The last time we unexpectedly had to come home for Grandma Dee Dee's funeral, I felt the same way, dulled, like my nerves had been shocked into submission.

How was your flight?
Excruciatingly long. I bought the ticket less than a week before departure so it was a)more expensive than I would have liked and b) had two layovers both 4 hours long! I left the school at 7:30am Monday morning in a taxi to get the airport bus for my 11:30 am flight. I arrived in San Antonio at 11:30 pm Monday evening which was the equivalent to 1:30 pm Tuesday in South Korea. So that is approx. 30 hours of traveling. But I was thankful for the most part that there few hiccups except for on the last stretch. My last flight was delayed for two hours because a coffee maker was leaking? And after we landed, I met with my stranger husband, we had gathered my bags and got in the car he handed me what looked similar to my baggage claim but he didn't tell me what it was, and I didn't ask, as I was a)exhausted and b) a little distracted reacquainting with my husband. However when we pulled up to the gate to pay the parking fee, Kyle asked me where I put the ticket. I had a vague memory of putting it in the car handle, but it was no longer there and was no where to be found. So we backed up and searched for it for a good ten minutes. I mean I didn't eat the ticket so I don't know where it could have gone. We decided after a long and fruitless search that we would pay the lost ticket fee. But... the insurance card and drivers license didn't match which is required for paying the lost ticket fee. They told us that we could call the owner but Kyle's phone isn't working and they wouldn't let us use their phone. "I can't let you take this vehicle out of this parking lot." said the unhelpful supervisor who then proceeded to go inside to play solitaire rather than try to help us. We looked some more throughout the car and on the pavement but after another ten minutes decided to try our luck again with a different agent whom luckily didn't noticed the name discrepancy and let us through, nearly an hour after I had arrived.

What are you plans?

We are trying to find a cheap get away for the two of us for the short term, any suggestions anyone? And as for the long term, that is undetermined.

Our first picture taken together since being back. We went to see Harry Potter, can you tell?

This Valetines Day

Love is...
sharing one heart

This was our first Valentines Day apart. I consider myself to be an emotionally strong woman, but I have to admit, I cried. There was no heaving or gasping for breath, but quite tears as I wallowed in my loneliness. I cried every time I looked in the mirror and every time I looked at a picture of the two of us. I missed the love of my life. I missed the man who makes my heart flutter with happiness.

For Valentine's Day, a group of teachers, those with either loved ones abroad or those without decided to go out on a group date to drown our sorrows away in good food and company. Throughout the evening I was deep in thought about Kyle. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him. I take that back, there probably isn't an hour that goes by that I don't wish he were here with me. But life isn't always easy. Relationships aren't always easy. Like life, they have their mountains and their valleys. The valleys, although painful, make the mountains, their views and fresh air that much more amazing.

I read a quote recently, "The cavity which suffering carves into our souls will one day also be the receptacle of joy." Neil A. Maxwell (The quote is kind of working against my current metaphor, but go with it)

Kyle and I chose a life that may not have been the easiest road to have taken, but through our journey over the mountains and through the valleys it is important to remember our love, and where it began. And although we feel sometimes as if we hit impenetrable walls our love will endure and life will go on.

Many people argue that Valentine's Day is a stupid day; a day taken over by corporate America and turned into a commercial day. To some degree, I agree. I agree that the pressures on Valentine's Day are often unrealistic. Some couples feel that every year the gift that they give must be more expensive and more impressive than the year before. But that is not what Valentine's Day has to be about nor should be about. It started out as a day to remember love and loved ones, not to prove it by the worth of an object. Valentine's Day is what we make it, not what commercial society tells us it should be. I personally love Valentine's day. Sometimes we need a little reminder of the importance of not only our romantic love but of love in our other relationships such as friendship and family. Just as we celebrate our birth once a year on our birthdays, rejoicing in the fact that we were blessed enough to join this beautiful earth, we should use Valentine's Day as a day to rejoice in the blessing of love. But not through gifts necessarily. Gifts don't define love. Our actions define love.

I like to be reminded of my blessings and even though Kyle is far far away, I am still blessed to have had his love for eight wonderful years. And not only am I blessed with his love, I am blessed to have such a loving family and loving friends.

1 Corinthians 13:1-13 is a bible verse that is shared at nearly every Christian wedding and even weddings of other religions because of the simple fact that this may be one of the greatest descriptions of love and it's importance in our lives that ever was. Read it slowly, carefully and if you can out loud. You may find it holds more meanings the more you read it.

1 Corinthians 13:1-13
¹If I speak in the tongues^a]">[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,^b]">[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. ¹¹When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. ¹²Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Love is..

contagious.

Yellow Brick Road

Do you ever feel like your life is not what or where you want it to be. Like at some point, you were on the yellow brick road, headed toward the Great Wizard, but somehow the directions got muddled, north became south, yellow became red and you are just really not sure where you are, or where the yellow brick road walked off to? I don't want to sound ungrateful or sound as if my life isn't full of blessings everyday, but sometimes I just feel so lost and I don't even know where I should go to get unlost.
High School was such a whirlwind, my direction was clear, and my life was spectacular. I had wonderful friends, I was using my creativity and my physicality. I volunteered and participated in many organizations. I knew what I wanted at least short-term wise. My goal was to make good grades and good impressions for colleges. We all seemed to be on the same road, heading the same place. It was an easy decision, going to college. The process of picking a college added fog to the scenery, but I could definitely see where I was headed. I knew kind of what I wanted. I wanted a small school with an outstanding academic standing, I wanted to feel challenged and positioned for my future. After many complications, I went to Texas Tech, but found myself unhappy and fighting against the wind. Before I left, however, I discovered the major that fit my personality and allowed me to continue on my unknown path. I was thrilled when I found the major for those who don't know what they want to do, but love people and creativity as much as myself. I had found the perfect door, the door that didn't force me into making any immediate decisions and cementing my life, instead a door to the unknown held much more promise. It gave me more time to procrastinate and figure out what I want to do with my life.

So these are the things I have discovered want in a job;

I want to enjoy my co-workers
I want freedom to choose my own schedule,
I want a challenging position to constantly stimulate my mind
I want to be creative.
I want to be interacting with people
Of course there are many other qualities I was looking for in a job, but those are the main objectives.

What do I want out of life?

These are things that I want from my life.
1. I want financial freedom
2. I want to travel
3. I want to make a difference in the world and in other people.
4. I want to feel I have made a mark on the world
5. I never want to stop learning and growing
6. I want to be surrounded by friends and family, people who love me, and whom I love


But then the next question is, "Can you be more specific?", like, what kind of difference do you want to make? Is it enough to make your mark on the world through being a good friend, or do you need more? What will be enough? "And how do I get there?" And then to furthur complicate matters I have to match these goals at the exact same time with the person I have agreed to spend the rest of my life with. My life does not just affect me, but also my husband. I cannot just up and join the Peace Corps and leave him to finish school. Our lives are bound together and somehow we must find a way to move forward with our legs tied together in a three-legged race. I feel as if I am at a threshold in my life, a waiting room, but I am tired of treading water, I am tired of not knowing what direction I should face to get to where I want. I have this since of urgency, a figure on my shoulder, whispering in my ear that if I don’t start running now, I may never get out.


My life has had many adventures and blessings such as Disney World and Italy, but they were just another way to procrastinate making a decision. College is an amazing tool, to challenge commonly held thoughts, open ones mind to new and sometimes disturbing ideas. It is an environment that fosters inner growth, and involvement in the world. But what it doesn't teach is what to do once you are out of your fantasy world, the world I have been trained in for 19 years of my life. I know how to listen to a teacher, take notes, study, make a fantastic project, and take tests. I know how to make friends in classes and then find activities where our lives and personalities will bond. However, I can no longer turn to the University to be my social and volunteer outlet. I have been thrown out of my home with a swift kick and left to find my own way in the world without the assistance and support I have always known. (I should say at this moment, that my mom has continually been with me, and support me throughout these difficult times. I am so lucky to have her and the rest of my family and friends, for without them, I would really have something to complain about. My problems would only multiply. So thank you, all of you.) After I left school, the following things were taken from me, friends, social network, inspiration, ambitious competition, involvement in the world, and my innocence. What I was given with my diploma was more responsibility, rent, bills, and an opportunity to sell my soul to jobs that will overwork, underpay and ultimately make me unhappy.
When my job does not foster daily interaction and friendships, where do I turn? I have been looking at Austin clubs online for an outlet to make friends and do something with myself, but will we (Kyle and I) really make friends there or just acquaintances. Will it be incredibly awkward and forced or does it really have potential to start to fill the hole in my heart. I have lots of friends in town, but it is hard to keep up and get together when I don’t see them on a daily basis. Friendship then requires making a huge effort and often schedules get in the way. How many dinner plans have I rearranged? It isn't that we don't care, or don't want to see each other, but life gets in the way.

So lets get back to the yellow brick road. I was traveling along this road, and I got to college, which was not only on the way but had a marker. However, at that point decisions had to be made, life-altering decisions and the yellow brick road didn't seem so yellow anymore, as if the paint was chipping off, the paint chips flying through the wind and sprinkling the grass and trees with the course of my confusing future, and the direction could be any which ways. Don't be deceived however, I have chosen the way through the unknown. I could have chosen the path which other college students take, graduate, find a corporation, and work my way up through groveling and time, but I made the decision that I wanted more. My yellow brick road could have been easy, but it wouldn't have actually led me to the Great Wizard. Life's joys are much more difficult to find, I have faith that I will find them again. The question is, though, will this new "yellow road" take me there? And whether or not I can answer the next question determines whether I will get there. What is the Great Wizard of Oz to me? That is the question we all have to answer for ourselves, but who can answer that question and when we reach it, will we know it?