Sometimes writing scares me. When I write, I want to create a work of art. I want to paint pictures in the minds of my readers. I want to use words like a samurai uses a sword. I yearn for my sentences to jump off the page, do somersaults through the air with a stream of rainbow following behind it's every action like a jet stream. My goal is for the words to be a powerful wand and work magic, set off fireworks, open locked doors, stun and move people to tears. I want people to try and grab the sentence off the page to tuck in their pocket to remember always.
But my words don't always work for me. They defy me rather than obey. Writing is not something that comes naturally to me. Words don't flow through my finger tips like they do some writers, but instead slide like uncontrolled cars on a hill of ice. They slip wildly, unbounded and without the use of brakes they crash into the nearest lamppost. But before they can even get out of their vehicle to review the damages, another vehicle, a truck looses control down the slippery slope. And in this way, I write, crash, slam, crunch. Sometimes what comes out is decent, even beautiful. But so much of the time, it is dribble. I might as well have used the saliva dribbling out of a babbling, teething baby's mouth for the good my words have done me.
And for that reason I sometimes get writers block. I sit in front of the computer glaring at it menacingly hoping that my stare alone will allow it to yield something magnificent. But unfortunately my eyes don't type, and my computer only sits their passively unresponsive. I've been working on a personal writing project for a few years now, but my progress has been slow. Snail speed even. No, a snail stuck in molasses speed is more accurate. But this year, along with studying for the GRE, taking the GRE, applying for grad schools, running a half.marathon, I also want to finish this project. I'm actually feeling quite overwhelmed. I feel like my list is out of control, but I guess most people feel that way. So I am making a resolution, and I'm sad to say that this resolution pains me, but I plan to blog less, for a little while at least. Kyle says that he will try harder to blog more frequently to pick up my slack so that I can prioritize what I need to concentrate on, but he doesn't enjoy it like I do. He doesn't have a constant need to write and express his thoughts on a public sphere. Let's face it, hes a boy. So the more encouragement you send his way (because that is how he is motivated) the more likely he will be to keep up the blog. I will still be writing, but often times when I really should be prioritizing my personal writing, I choose to blog. Blogging is simpler. It's an outlet where I can blab nonsensically and still be heard and appreciated. It's much less intimidating. My words don't always have to be magic. Dribble is perfectly acceptable in the blogging world. But I resolve to not allow my blogging be an excuse. I have to finish what I've started and I am determined to finish it this year.
Does anyone else find writing and saying aloud your resolutions difficult? If they are said out loud then others will know and ask about them. I run the risk of being held accountable. Commitment is scary. And failure is always right around the corner making faces at you in that immature way that one can't resist responding in an equally childlike fashion.
This post is not goodbye, not in the least. It's just a "I'm keeping you in the loop, and hope you'll understand" post. Thank you for understanding.
